I’m trying to remain calm. Oh so calm. But I’m teetering on the edge of freaking out.
I’ll start with the bad news.
At today’s anatomay scan, I had to have my first trans-vaginal exam since graduating from my RE. Long story short, not only do I have placenta previa — where the placenta totally covers my cervix — but I also have a succenturiate lobe.
In other words, yet another double whammy of fucking shitty tiny statistics to fall into.
Because, with my track record, why the hell not?
CAN I STOP FALLING INTO TINY STATISTICS PLEASE?? (Unless it’s the one where these two things resolve themselves in the next six weeks.)
Placenta Previa looks like this:
Obviously, with the placenta blocking the cervix, a vaginal delivery is not possible. In my case, I have enough time left in my pregnancy that the placenta could move and therefore resolve the issue.
But I said I also have a succenturiate lobe. Like other organs, the placenta is made up of multiple lobes. Sometimes one of these lobes can be spaced out from the placenta, like this:
In this cartoon image, the lobe is at a safe distance from the cervix. In my case, because the placenta is previa, it is a little too close to the cervix.
Which brings me on to a horrid thing called Vasa Previa — aka “Blood Vessel Crossing The Cervix Which Is A Very Dangerous Thing To Have.” Worst case scenario? Blood vessel pokes down into cervix and is crushed, causing baby to bleed to death. Another worst case scenario is preterm labour.
Steady on, Lauren. We’re not there yet. Let’s stick with @ivffervescent‘s better nickname Vasa Fuckface McNotGonnaHappen.
Long story short: I have to return for another ultrasound around 24 weeks (that’s July 24th) to see if the placenta and lobe have moved away from their current scary position. If they haven’t moved by then, they are unlikely to resolve on their own. That means I will likely be put on bed rest, and I will almost certainly need a c-section. Meanwhile, I am at much higher risk for bleeding during pregnancy. And if the placenta previa doesn’t correct itself, also placenta accreta, where the placenta is deeply attached to the uterus, which can require an emergency hysterectomy. That really fucking scares me.
I know that all that matters is that Tiny arrive safely. I’ll take bed rest and a c-section over the alternative any day of the week. And I’m trying not to freak out about those worst case scenarios.
But I have always been terrified of having a c-section. My mum had one with my sister, and she woke up from the general anaesthetic halfway through but couldn’t move. It also took her a very long time to physically recover. The thought of a caesarean has long horrified me.
Not to mention, it would mean giving up on the idea of the midwife-led natural birth that I wanted. When I have already given up so much on this journey, this feels like an extra cruel blow.
In the meantime, I have been told I can’t do any exercise or strenuous activity. Perfect timing, seeing as how I’m about to move house. I can’t even have sex — did I mention how I was looking forward to finally, after three years and three months, being able to enjoy spontaneous sex with my husband again?
I know there are other ways to be intimate. I’ve never been much of an exerciser. I know that bed rest would be temporary. And I guess I can get used to the possibility of a c-section and prepare accordingly. But I can’t stop tears pricking my eyes.
And the anxiety that I thought I was finally getting rid of is here to stay for a long while yet.
Unless by some miracle I fall into a small statistic whereby both the placenta previa and the succenturiate lobe resolve themselves in the next 5-6 weeks. I’d like my tiny statistical luck to change, for once.
♥
The good news is that I live in a day and age where the technology was able to diagnose this, and that I am in excellent hands at UCSD.
♥
The best news is that Tiny is anatomically perfect. She has a beautiful brain and heart with four chambers. All her organs are in place, she has long fingers and legs. Her abdominal circumference was a whopping 14cms (that’s like my wrist!), her femur measures 3cms, and these measurements, along with the head measurements, suggest she weighs around 10oz (283g)! Everything looks wonderful with her.
Yep, she’s a she. Little Miss Tiny was very happy to cooperate. Here are the three little white lines of her labial folds:
(And look at her little tushie, so sweet!)
I’ve been feeling Tiny move for about five weeks now, but it’s really been in the past fortnight that I feel her move regularly. I feel her move every night around 10pm, usually in the morning, and always a couple times in the afternoon. Sometimes it’s an unmistakeable jab of a heel or elbow; sometimes it’s a rolling sensation, like she’s somersaulting; and sometimes it feels like a firm but gentle prod, like she’s pushing with her hands. I feel her move a lot, considering I’m only 18w5d. I guess that’s because none of my uterine wall is padded with a placenta… But, as I said to DH the other day, I think she is a very active baby — and the ultrasound tech agreed. She’d be taking measurements and Tiny would flip 180°! In fact, at one point I felt a kick and was able to tell the tech that Tiny had flipped before she caught it on the ultrasound! It feels wonderful to already know my baby a little bit.
Sweetest of all was seeing my baby girl’s face in 3-D. The tech managed to get a few pictures, but here’s the one without her hands across her forehead:
It looks like she’s smiling, right? (Her nose is a little smooshed in this pic by an invisible hand.)
I see my husband’s jaw and Nellie’s mouth. I’ll be honest, it’s strange not seeing any of my own or my family’s features, but not uncomfortably so. It’s actually stranger to look at the little unfamiliar face of a person I haven’t met yet but already know intuitively.
That’s my girl. I can’t believe I get to say those words. That’s my girl.
We have a first name for her. We have the first of several boxes of lovely hand-me-downs from my SIL. We have a home to bring her to. We just need to ride the crest of this new six-week-long wave and hope the next five months go okay.
Tiny just kicked again. That’s my girl.
Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about the placenta previa and the additional stress. But you are right, it IS good that you have the resources to have it diagnosed and to get the care you need.
The U/S pictures are beautiful. :-)
Thank you so much! Yep, if this shit is going to happen, well, how lucky am I that I live in a day and age where a) we know about these things ahead of time, and b) can do something about them!
xoxo
She looks beautiful Lauren – it must have been such an amazing moment seeing that sweet face inside you and knowing that you will be able to kiss it in a matter of months. I’m gutted for you that things aren’t going entirely smoothly but echo what others have said in that there is plenty of time for it to right itself. I know how much you want a natural delivery and the potential loss of that is very unfair, but I feel certain that when your precious Tiny is placed in your arms her route into the world will lose it’s significance – you’ll just be so bowled over by the love and joy you feel on that special day.
Xxxxxx
Wise and beautiful words, my friend. Yeah, seeing her little face actually took my breath away. It was a magical moment, one I hope my IF friends get to experience :)
xoxoxo
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this now. I was hoping you would have a smooth pregnancy. Hopefully this will resolve itself within the next few weeks.
I’m glad that the technology is available for you to catch this problem early on. I think it’s amazing that you can already see Tiny’s face and see who she looks like!
Good luck with your upcoming move.
Thanks, Leila. Hopefully this is just another bump in the road and not a major setback. I’m hopeful that things will resolve themselves soon. Fingers crossed!
Yeah, isn’t technology amazing? From seeing the baby’s face to knowing I’m in excellent medical hands, I am actually beginning to feel fairly calm about the whole thing.
xx
Gah, how frustrating to get news like this. I’ll be praying your placenta (and the lobe) move good and far away from your cervix so you can do the vaginal birth you had hoped for! FWIW, a couple of my good friends had placenta previa and their placentas all moved and they were able to do vaginal delivers – I hope the same for you!
Thanks, love! So good to hear of your friends’ success stories! I hope to be one of them :D
Oh , Lauren! How frightening. I’m here to listen. Also, I can commiserate with you on the worry. Pregnancy with Iliana was a high risk stress fest with weekly ultrasounds, a cerclage, bed rest, and ultimately a repeat c-section. My c- with Jonas was truly an emergency (I was airlifted, yikes!) so I had a lot of c-section baggage going into it. ANYWAY, I can relate to SO much of your mindset right now. I’ll keep checking in, but please ping me in any way when you need. I’m here.
Also, i personally know several women who had placenta previa, yet went on to have vaginal deliveries. So there *is* hope for getting the birth you want. I mean, being realistic and all means also preparing for other delivery methods, but hey. I thought that I should share any hope I can. (You know, and not just the commiseration.)
Thanks for sharing your experience, C. If bed rest is in my future, I have a feeling you will have some good ideas on how to stay sane! How scary that you were airlifted though, I didn’t know that!
Appreciate your letting me know about women for whom their PP cleared up. I am *determined* to be one of those women! Time, statistics, and sheer WILL are on my side :) But, yep, as you say, being realistic is good. I’ve already looked into how I might make a c-section a more personal experience. xo
Nobody deserves to go through any of this. Take peace in knowing you’re doing all you can to help the situation and that you’ve sacrificed enough already that a couple more sacrifices are worth it in the longer run. Hopefully your anxiety has better days more than bad days. I’ll be thinking of you!
You’re right, I am doing all I can — and sometimes that ironically means doing less — and if I can get through miscarriage and infertility I sure as hell can get through a bumpy patch. Thank you, friend xo
I can only imagine how difficult all of this has been to hear. I’m so very thankful that technology is available so that this can be known early on and dealt with. Not in a way that you want or would have hoped for, but you have gone through so much, I know that in just a short time, you’ll be holding your beautiful little girl. Hold on to that. You’ve got this. Sending you the biggest of hugs to get through the days. xoxo
Thank, Suzanne! I really appreciate your warm and grounding words. Yeah, I got this!! Big hugs to you too xo
Oh hun, I’m frustrated at the universe for you. Seriously, after everything you’ve been through, the universe couldn’t give you an easy pregnancy?!
I’m wishing with all of my might that everything resolves on its own, but if it doesn’t, you’re in amazing hands. I totally understand your fears of having a c-section (I’m the same way!) However, you do have to remember that technology and medicine has come a long way since your mom’s c-section. There are women who opt to have a c-section so they can’t be that bad, right? (at least that’s what I’m telling myself!)
Tiny is thriving and is absolutely adorable. You both will make it through this and will be ok. It may not be the way you wished or envisioned, but in just a few short months, you’ll have your girl (!) in your arms.
Thanks, love. Yeah, it would be nice… but maybe there’s hope for me yet! Thank you for your wishes. I actually feel very confident in my doctors and am getting used to the idea that if a c-section is in my future it’s not the end of the world. Just as long as Baby Girl arrives safely and I get to keep my uterus, everything else will fall into place.
Love how your comment ended, btw. My girl! In my arms!
Reading this is like hearing my own fears. I get it, you’ll do anything for Tiny at this point. But COME ON, no sex? Bed rest?! A guaranteed C-section? :( Maybe I’m projecting right now.
Related/not related: I read this blog last night and I found the Mutant Lunchbox idea hilarious and horrifying… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/oral-fixation/how-my-unborn-son-saved-his-mothers-life_b_5311884.html
Love the ultrasound pictures.
You’re not projecting at all, love.
Thanks for the article. Hopefully that won’t be me (!!) but it’s a great story.
Thank you, brave, brave mama for stopping by and looking at the pix. Biggest hugs xo
Here I am, Mama. Here I am, safe and sound.
And long may you stay that way, sweet girl xo