Last week’s period lasted 4 days. It was lighter than usual, as though I skipped the first two days of heavy flow, so it probably wasn’t a true menstrual period. But it was the first real sign that slowly, slowly, my body is returning to its pre-pregnancy state.
Then, on Monday, I found out that my TSH levels fell into a normal range and, at 2.68, were even below the American Thyroid Association’s recommended upper limit of 3.0. Good news!
And yesterday, I had another ultrasound to see if I needed a more extensive examination called an HSG — which would diagnose any blockages. Even though my period returned by the time yesterday’s appointment came around, Dr. D. still wanted me to proceed with the ultrasound, and I was eager to see what was going on inside.
As with the ultrasound that confirmed there was remaining tissue after I miscarried, this ultrasound wasn’t performed by an ob/gyn but by an ultrasound specialist in the radiology department. I had to drink 32oz (a litre) of water between 7.30 – 8am and hold it for my 9am trans-abdominal ultrasound, then take a delightfully eye-watering trip to the bathroom before a trans-vaginal ultrasound. It wasn’t too bad. The trans-abdominal ultrasound was moderately uncomfortable when the technician pressed the wand on my bladder. The trans-vaginal was fine too. Sheesh, at this point I’ve had so many that I start humming Ian Dury & the Blockheads as I change into my medical gown…
Although I won’t get the official report until tomorrow, the ultrasound technician shared more good news: no blockages, nothing stuck in my cervix, in fact, everything looks great. My uterine lining is exactly the thickness you would expect the week after a period, and my right ovary is about to release an egg!
I was done before 10am and had a few hours to kill before my 2pm appointment with my primary care physician (PCP — or GP if you are in the UK). So, I went to the beach — one of the perks of living in southern California!
It was slightly overcast, but warm enough for shorts.
Pelicans soared overhead. They are some of my favourite birds.
My PCP (GP) appointment went without a hitch. Amongst other things, I wanted to see what I could do now to get in the best possible shape before getting pregnant again. Based on the fact that my TSH levels were 1.66 in August 2010, I have theorised that my pregnancy caused my thyroid levels to soar, which could have caused my miscarriage, so I want to make sure my thyroid is happy for pregnancy #2. Dr. M. listened to my theory and happily referred me to an endocrinologist, and I have an appointment at the end of July.
I don’t think we’ll start TTC this month, even though my right ovary is apparently all geared up. Part of me is worried that I am making a bad decision — after all, what if that’s The Egg? The other part of me reminds myself that it would be helpful to have a month of post-pregnancy/miscarriage cycle charting under my belt.
But today I can’t shake the feeling that I’m back where I started six months ago. To have gone through all of this physical trauma and emotional heartbreak and to find myself at square one, but without a baby or bump, makes me incredibly sad. (And, putting it crudely, we have spent thousands of dollars on medical care for me only to have a non-baby.) What has this all been for? I struggle with that question. At times like these that I am envious of people of faith, who entrust that life’s shittiness is ultimately for a higher purpose than mere suffering alone.
Most importantly, I remind myself that there is still emotional healing to be done. Better to let the dust settle first, and enjoy feeling more like myself again. I also can’t shake the feeling that this could happen again so easily. I’m 35, no spring chicken for pregnancy, and although time is of the essence, an extra month surely can’t make all the difference, can it? Isn’t it better that I make sure I am in the best possible place before conceiving, both physically and emotionally? Is it wishful thinking to imagine that by waiting an extra month, I might not be completely destroyed if the worst comes to the worst and I miscarry again?
Quiet tears were shed as I ate my lunch. I am no longer wracked by grief but am learning to live with it. I am beginning to understand what a friend meant when she shared the wisdom a friend gave her after her daughter was born still: You will never be able to move on from this, but the pain will lessen, and you will be able to move on with this. I think I am finally reaching that point.
My miscarriage has changed me. I am the same person, but different and I think I need to get to know this new me.
Hi Lauren … finally a minute to respond to your thyroid posts! I have autoimmune-related hypothyroidism, so hope to be able to offer you some helpful thoughts here.
Here’s a link to a super resource by the American Thyroid Ass’n on thyroid levels during pregnancy: http://thyroidguidelines.net/sites/thyroidguidelines.net/files/file/thy.2011.0087.pdf
They recommend a maximum TSH of 2.5 during pregnancy, although some researchers believe an even lower maximum, 1.2, is better. (My own endocrinologist takes the latter approach.)
Although your TSH falls into the normal range for the general population, it is above the range recommended by this study. I would suggest that you see an endocrinologist to see if s/he’ll start you on the thryoid replacement hormone to get you within the range for pregnant women so you are in a good range at the beginning of your next pregnancy.
You should also ask the endocrinologist what is causing the hypothyroidism, which requires an external physical examination of the throat and a blood test for anti-thyroid antibodies. My hypothyroidism is caused by presence of these antibodies, which also (in addition to too-low thyroid levels) causes fertility issues, as the body can attack a developing embryo/fetus/etc., just as it is attacking its own thyroid.
I don’t mean to alarm you, but I think it is important that you get further medical advice from a specialist on this! Try not too worry too much, though – the hypothyroidism is easily brought under control by taking thyroid replacement hormone.
You can also check out my blog posts labeled “hypothyroidism” and “autoimmune disease” if you want to read more of my experience.
Hope this helps! Message me if you have any questions. xx
Thanks, Elizabeth! Yes, I read that study and have an appointment with an internist (GP) with a specialty in endocrinology towards the end of this month. I flip/flop between wondering if that’s enough or if I should make an appointment with an RE. So much conflicting information out there.
Thanks for all of this brilliant information. You haven’t alarmed me at all. Forewarned is forearmed. I wish I had known about pregnancy stressing the thyroid at the beginning of the year. Maybe I’d still be pregnant. Maybe I wouldn’t be, but going forward it’s something I want to be mindful of.
Anyway, thank you so much for taking the time to write this so soon after the birth of your daughter!!
You’re a beautiful warm being. Love yourself for that. Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing to do even though it might be for the better. I still think about the twin from time to time and decided just to call her Aiyana Lomasi…That means “Eternal Blossom”/”Pretty Flower”. It seems fitting. It also helps to deal with this a little more easily to have a name for the one I lost. I’m contemplating writing something for her. It has been a tough week and I am dealing something else, but I decided I can only handle grieving one tear at a time…Take care. I am glad things are finally starting to flow for you!
A month won’t make a difference in your pregnancy journey, but it may make a big difference in your healing, and your ability to feel secure the next time you get pregnant. You need to make absolutely sure that someone is following you for this thyroid issue. The last thing you want is to have to go through another miscarriage if it can possibly be prevented. Hugs to you…
Jealous of your beach time, BTW… I wish I lived closer to one.
Thank you, Catwoman! I heeded your advice and lucked out with an RE appointment on Monday!
Ah, the beach. I love it. I think it’s my favourite kind of nature place. Do you live near a lake or mountains or anything?
I just found your blog yesterday via your super sweet blogging award from Not When But If. I subscribed immediately. You are a wonderful writer and I’m looking forward to coming alongside you on your journey. I am so sorry for your loss. Just so sorry. My husband and I lost a baby at 19 weeks and had a chemical pregnancy after that. I can attest that your friend’s wisdom is genuine.
Also, your last line both broke my heart and inspired me. You encapsulated so much of this journey in those two little sentences.
Hello Em,
First off, sorry for taking a couple of weeks to respond to the first comment you left on this blog. I decided to take a little break and lost track of the comments I needed to respond to. (You weren’t the only one!)
I appreciate your kind words and am glad that you found me. I’ll check out your blog soon–I’ve heard good things about it, so have been meaning to for a while :)
I’m sorry for your losses. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve gone through, but I’m glad to fund a circle of women online who understand the unique pain of pregnancy loss.
Holding your hand tightly, comrade,
Lauren xo
Looking at the big picture, waiting a month (or two) probably doesn’t make much of a difference. My last early loss was in November, and I’m definitely not emotionally healed from it. Sure, it’s not as raw, but I still don’t trust my body to “do what it’s supposed to” and I still feel no stronger if I were to have to face miscarriage again.
It’s a tough decision, but I think either decision is a fine one. On one hand, giving your mind and body a break from the stress couldn’t hurt. But I also understand the second guessing about whether that one was THE month. I waited a month after each miscarriage, like I was told, but kind of thought it didn’t matter and wished I hadn’t.
So basically, I’m no help :)
Beautiful pictures, by the way, I wish I lived closer to the beach!
You were a help, actually! What you said steered me to the Qué será, será attitude.
I looooooooove the beach. It’s a joy to live close to it after 14+ years in a concrete jungle (London, New York, and a bit of Madrid and Paris). Come visit! :D
I understand your dilemma. After our miscarriage we kept TTC right away, without pause… but there was a part of my soul that wasn’t ready to move on. I knew that I couldn’t handle it if I got pregnant right away again because I didn’t trust my body not to betray me again.. .I still don’t.. but every day I am learning to trust a little more. I know that inside i was secretly hoping for those first few months that this month wouldn’t be the month because I couldn’t possibly recover from another loss so soon. You will find that time when you are ready to trust yourself again and when you are ready to TTC. It might be now or later. And the next time it will be a very different story.
Egg, I think you perfectly captured the PgAL roller coaster here. Wow!
I love pelicans! And I can never get a good picture of them. Mine are always too far off–little dots, no drama. Yours are stunning.
This post totally wrapped me up in the dilemma of do-we-ttc-now-or-do-we-wait. You’re right that a month won’t make a difference, but that’s logical. I’m wondering what your heart is saying. You spent a lot of time with logic on this subject in NYC and leading up to now.
I’m sure you’ve already thought about this, but which decision (wait or start-now), if someone else were to choose it for you, would make you breathe a huge sigh of relief, or smile because that’s the one you were hoping they were going to choose? Go with that one–only your heart knows which one it is.
I lucked out! I spend more time at the beach than you do, and have been trying for years. This time I lay in wait, iPhone at the ready…
Damn, Momsicle, you really got me thinking. Maybe I should follow my heart more than my head! You make an astute observation, one I hadn’t considered.
I guess my heart is a little torn on this one… hmmm…