I long more than anything to be a mother. Truthfully, it’s the only thing I ever wanted to be, growing up. All other career fantasies were secondary to the idea of being a mom. Maybe it’s because my childhood wasn’t the most stable? (Whatever, it certainly explains why I had such a hard time choosing a career until a couple of years ago when I decided that I wanted to go into graphic design.)
Tuesday’s ultrasound was normal and my thyroid levels are OK. Now the elation has worn off, I am feeling a bit mood-swingy. The past week or so has marked my return to the real world. I’m getting better at quietly reminding myself that that pregnant belly over there is what I will look like one day soon.
But I still torture myself by looking at the Facebook belly pics of the schoolfriend whose post announcing she was going to be a mummy in September (a few weeks before I was due) showed up in my feed the morning after my first terrible ultrasound. (It’s the same schoolfriend whose status update announcing the gender of her unborn child mysteriously arrived by email in my inbox.)
That said, I am more or less back to being me — except my days are punctuated by acute moments of sadness. I cry, it is heartfelt, a release, but 5-10 minutes later I’m all smiles again. Until the next trigger…
I still can’t shake the thought that I NEED to get pregnant NOW. After AF arrived, I told DH that I thought we should wait for another cycle before TTC again. Now I’m not so sure. Maybe it was seeing my reproductive organs on Tuesday’s ultrasound. Maybe it’s that half the people I know in the ALI blogosphere are trying, already got their two pink lines, or are pregnant, and I don’t want to be left behind. Maybe I’m not done emotionally healing and getting pregnant again is the final piece of the puzzle.
Why I Think We Should
- I already followed my head for years and waited for the right time, so perhaps I should follow my heart for once.
- I’m not getting any younger.
- I know for a fact that I will ovulate this month, because of the ultrasound.
- Our parents-in-law (who we live with) are out of town, so we would have some privacy.
- When I think about not TTC this month, I get very upset.
- Waiting until next month isn’t likely to minimise the suffering should I miscarry again.
- I have been thinking about writing a letter to Bean, which shows enough time has passed that I can look back and reflect on my experience, and say my final goodbye.
Why I Think We Shouldn’t
- What’s another month of waiting?
- Can I handle the disappointment of a BFN now?
- My mood swings and desperation suggest I still have emotional healing to do.
- What if there’s an unresolved pregnancy-induced problem with my thyroid?
- What if I miscarried again?
- Better to wait until after my trip to North Carolina in two weeks’ time, to visit my father whom I haven’t spoken to in almost two years. I don’t need the added stress.
I know some of my thoughts are irrational. Others are sensible. Practical, even. Perhaps the thing to do is not use contraception this month and just enjoy sex with no expectations.
I had had exactly the same thoughts and the same dilemma when starting ttc after my mcs. I wanted to start trying straight away as I felt so desperate to replace the baby I lost (sorry, that might sound a bit wrong – but you know what I mean). I have to say that the first few periods after my mcs were an emotional nightmare – combo of hormones and reminders of the loss. We waited a month both times – I couldn’t bring myself to wait any longer. The emotions were (and still are) high octane in those first few months; on the month we didn’t try and on the months we did!
P.S. I agree that Facebook is hard – I went off FB for a while – it was emotional torture.
Funny, in my experience I couldn’t really “let go” in that way. Even after the MC I was acutely aware of when we were TI’ing, and there was always and expectation… even before we were really supposed to be TTC in a hardcore way I would obsess over whether or not I could arrange a little baby dancing… I was TTC actively for ages before my husband.
I will tell you that I wasn’t over my MC. I am still am not. I cry still whenever I talk about the pain of it, even though there is another little bean growing away right now, giving me hope every day that s/he is sticking around. But I know that it took time, months before I was ok with a positive pregnancy test, even though it was what I wanted. I wouldn’t have been able to relax at all into the pregnancy until maybe a month or two before we got pregnant. And even still PgAL sucks hard. It punches you in the gut in your happiest moments. I do think it is a good idea to enjoy some stress-free time with your husband one way or another though. I wish you luck in making this decision. Only you too will know when you are ready. Hugs to you.
You are a wise Egg! I have heard that PgAL is really hard. That there is grief surrounding the loss of innocence of pregnancy, even after the grief of losing the baby has waned slightly. I’m really beginning to see just how complex an issue pregnancy loss really is. There are so many feelings, reactions, complicated thoughts.
I hope the egglet is doing well. Thinking of you this evening in particular xo
Oh Lauren, it’s so hard. You will get there. Whether you need an extra cycle to regroup or whether you dive straight back into the madness, you will find a way. Best wishes and love.
Thank you, friend. xo