If this pregnancy is going well, then today instead of being 8dp6dt, I am also four weeks’ pregnant.
I emailed the egg donor nurse, C, to let her know I am pregnant because I’d recently had my TSH levels checked and wanted to know the result — in my last pregnancy, I became slightly hypothyroid and wanted to make sure that my thyroid would be monitored early on in this one.
I didn’t expect a warm congratulations from her — she isn’t exactly known for her people skills — but I wasn’t expecting such a disheartening response, an excerpt of which is here:
Me: Just letting you know I had a positive pregnancy test [last night] (6dp6dt). Looking forward to having my beta on Monday!
C: My fingers are crossed that you [sic] home test is correct.
Me: I did a second test this morning (different brand) and got a fast positive again. Plus, I’ve had a couple of strong symptoms that can’t be attributed to progesterone. Fingers crossed — but it feels good to have crossed this first hurdle.
C: Don’t go crazy with home testing.
WTF? Excuse me, but something more appropriate might be That looks very promising, let’s wait and see what your beta is. Or, Good news! That’s a step in the right direction! C’s unenthusiastic response actually freaked me out a little, like I was faking it or something.
I admit I got a little upset. Because I did DEIVF, there is no residual hCG from a trigger shot in my system. The hCG is coming from somewhere! And who is she to say how many pregnancy tests I do? Some women choose to POAS, some don’t — each to their own, right? I know a beta is more accurate — it’s a blood test, not a mass-produced pee stick, duh! But most importantly, I feel like anyone at a fertility clinic has already had multiple disappointments. No one really chooses to spend tens of thousands of dollars on invasive procedures to achieve what most people seem to be able to do as a drunken oops. And the subset of that, donor egg recipients have to come to terms with the additional loss of the genetic connection. I really wish our nurse could show a bit more warmth, but she was just really negative. Give me a break, I know that a BFP doesn’t mean a baby — look in my fucking chart, woman!
But then I compared this year’s three sets of double lines with last year’s. Today’s test — the bottom one at 8dp6dt / 4 weeks — is equivalent to the first one in the rollover image (14dpo). Despite the age of the January 2013 tests, you can see how much darker this year’s tests are. Also encouraging is that I think I maxed out on line darkness yesterday, meaning today’s test wasn’t darker because it’s as dark as it gets.
Emotionally, I’m all over the place. I can get pretty cranky when I haven’t realised I’m tired or just hungry again, and I get choked up at the smallest things. Today on the freeway, I was driving behind a car whose rear windshield had a memoriam decal. It said My Son ~ My Hero, and the man’s name, regiment, and Killed In Action on a date beneath. I cried a little at that.
Yet, strangely, I’m not as scared in this pregnancy as I thought I would be. Even though I need new bras, I am refusing to go out and buy them because I don’t want to tempt fate — but I might reconsider if I get good beta results. I understand that my dad and parents-in-law are happy but not jumping for joy. They, too, have learned that so much can go wrong in pregnancy. When I saw that I was spotting a little bit, there was a thump in my chest, followed by a rational It’s just the progesterone pessary, don’t freak out.
My acupuncturist explained the spotting: in early pregnancy, your body needs to create more blood — an extra half a litre — which is why staying hydrated is so important. But although your liquid volume increases, your blood cells haven’t increased at a comparable rate. This explains dizziness, but also spotting, because the extra fluid in your blood vessels makes them more easily prone to rupturing. So, when you push a large pill up to your cervix twice a day, that is irritating and can burst capillaries. Still, just to be on the safe side, she inserted an extra couple of needles and switched my herbs to make sure that it’s nothing more than progesterone-induced spotting.
She’s also treating me with the assumption it’s twins. I described how my boobs went from a 34B to a 34D in four days, how veiny they are, how I have this huge appetite (I ate a large dinner two hours ago and I’m getting hungry again!), how I’m getting tired. She felt my pulses and said they feel full, fast, and strong. She said that if I’d had all these symptoms next week then that would be promising for a singleton, but to have them this week suggests twins. Of course, we both acknowledged that just because it’s twins today doesn’t mean twins tomorrow…
I don’t know if I’m trapped in “It’s Twins” thinking, but I feel like it’s twins… I guess I’ll find out in a few weeks’ time. I have my first beta on Monday and, from what others have said about their experience at the same clinic, I will return for a second beta on Wednesday, and a third one on Friday, after which I will schedule my ultrasound.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to walk a fine line between being supportive of people who just got another BFN and not being too much of a reminder that I just got a BFP. There were a few people who I contacted individually before saying anything on Twitter or on the blog, and I haven’t heard back from them. My heart breaks for them, because I know how bad it feels when it seems like everyone but you is pregnant. I can’t imagine (and hope I don’t find out) what it’s like to have one or more fertility treatments fail. It feels strange to finally be on the other side of the double-edged sword, and it’s not a straightforward place to be.
Overall, I am nervous in the sense that we still have a bunch more hurdles to clear, but I am hopeful that this pregnancy will work out because I know I have at least one chromosomally normal embryo (Three or Four, or both?) growing inside me and, so far, things seem to be going in the right direction. And though Three & Four are not of my body, I feel deeply connected to them, physically and spiritually.
First off, huge congratulations, hugs, and cheers! I know how previous losses (and infertility) make us cautious about jumping for joy and announcing to the whole world right away … but POAS never hurt anyone. I say ENJOY those double lines. Buy a whole box, put them in a frame on your wall, who cares?!
THANK YOU!! Yeah, I was just saying to someone Sarah (above) that we haven’t told many people IRL about our struggles, so it’s nice to have a group of understanding ladies to offer support. And, you might like this: I had two pregnancy tests left over from TTC naturally, which I took; then I box a 3-pack of FRERs. They are all still on my desk, I can’t quite bring myself to put them in a drawer like I did last time. Thanks for your support and wishes xx
Wow that nurse…really….
Beta tomorrow!!! Good luck!!!
I like twins!!!
Mille grazie!
I have the same feeling about my pregnancy. I’m excited to see how many are up in my ute. I maxed out my line pretty quickly too and it freaked me out. I thought my HCG stopped going up. Can’t wait to hear about your ultrasound.
Thanks, Heidi! From what I’ve heard, hCG peaks around 8-11 weeks. How far along are you and when is your scan? Good luck! xoxo
Boo to the horrible old nurse woman! I know there’s so many of us in IF world who are excited for you- take no notice of that miserable old sod.
Much love,
Sarah xx
Ha, this really made me laugh. It’s true — not many people IRL know about this young pregnancy (much less the efforts we’ve put into obtaining it) so it’s nice to have a band of supportive women online! Thanks for being one of them xoxo
I hope it’s twins too, and quit letting Nurse Ratchet get on your nerves. I feel really good about this, Lauren…I’m used to nurses with a less than warm demeanor though, since I dealt with the military ones when I had to deal with my pregnancies. When I was having Brian I had one tell me for some strange reason, “I don’t get you young girls. Birth control is cheaper than babies.” I looked at her and said, “Then someone should have informed your mother of that.” She never got that way around me again. I was already in my 20’s having Brian so I don’t know what the heck she was thinking. Maybe she needed to look at my freaking chart to know how old I was. Anyway, I am glad that this is looking positive for you so don’t let anyone get you down. Later!
You mean, Nurse Hatchet… haha! Trust you to have a good story!
You are so right: it’s not a straightforward place to be. I, too, struggle with be supportive to others still in the trenches or in limbo, but I know my mere presence can sometimes make other people feel sad, knowing that I had success my first time with IVF.
I’m sorry that nurse took the wind out of your sails. Good luck with your betas!
Thanks, Kitten. Feeling much more optimistic, post-beta :) Second one tomorrow…
I never thought I would realistically find myself “being on the other side” — even for a few days. There are a few people whom I haven’t heard back from, and I totally understand it. It’s not a fun place to be, getting a BFN month after month. Now that I’m here, I am finding it tricky to walk that line. On the one hand, I want to be able to keep telling my story (so I don’t share as much about it on Twitter as I would like), especially for those who are considering or about to start DEIVF; on the other, I want to be sensitive to others whose paths have been bumpier than mine. I hadn’t considered this back when I was weathering the storm of infertility and loss. Hmmm… maybe this is something we could blog about?
Those tests look amazing!!!! I can’t wait for your beta! ((HUGS))
Thanks!!
With such a big difference between your first and second tests, I’m betting on twins. Mine never darkened that fast- even with my one successful pregnancy. So exciting! You will have lots of moments of fear and doubt though- some of which will be brought on by your own racing mind, some of which will be brought on by comments from people like this C person (bitch!). You have no real reason to believe this will end badly, so try to relax and enjoy! :)
Interesting! Although I would say this: the first test would have been with seriously diluted pee because I’d peed 20 minutes earlier. I appreciate your encouragement — you’re right, what evidence is there that this pregnancy will end badly? Thanks for that wholesome reminder xoxo
Oh man, I hope it’s twins!!! How exciting would that be? I’ve always wanted twins, they run in my family, but alas, two singletons. I hope everything continues to go well, you deserve every second of joy this baby (babies?) bring.
I’ve been told that I would carry twins well, due to my height (6’1″). What worries me a little is that with twins there are lots of worrying factors like preterm birth, higher risk for pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes. Not to mention, that vaginal birth I’ve always dreamed of will be forever a dream, because California says multiples have to be delivered via c-section.
But, those are fears talking! As long as everyone is healthy, I don’t mind the chaos that twins will bring! After so much loss, I would feel very lucky indeed to have “two for the price of one” haha! :)