A few days ago on Twitter, I had a conversation with several people about how the phrase Don’t Give Up, though said with the best of intentions, can ultimately prove hurtful to many people in the infertility community. I tried to engage Resolve on Twitter but wasn’t having much luck until someone else chimed in. Then the person behind @resolveorg asked me to email them to explain more.
So I did.
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Dear Ms. Beck,
This is Lauren aka @onfecundthought on Twitter. Thank you for asking me to email you to expand on my thoughts on the phrase “Don’t give up”– there is only so much that can be relayed in 140 characters ;)
I and many of my friends in the infertility community often discuss how the phrase “Don’t Give Up” is offensive to many of us.
Why?
Because it sends a very direct message to those who are childless despite their many infertility treatments that they didn’t try hard enough. This implication is both untrue and unfair. It is hurtful.
What about my friend whose endometriosis cost her her uterus and for whom surrogacy with her last two embryos didn’t work?
What about my friend whose multiple rounds of IVF, including donor egg IVF, didn’t work?
Or my friend who has azoospermia but whose wife isn’t comfortable with using donor sperm or pursuing adoption?
What about my friend whose two adoptions failed?
These are four examples of people I know for whom the phrase “Don’t give up” is a particularly big slap around the face. Whatever their reasons for learning to live childfree / exploring childfree living, I’m sure you’ll agree that they tried to build their families in a number of creative and expensive ways.
For them, the phrase “don’t give up” diminishes their efforts. Their lost years. Their lost income. Their lost dreams.
For me — now parenting after infertility — and others like me, “Don’t Give Up” is nothing more than a platitude. Platitudes are irritating and unhelpful. Platitudes grouped together form lists of X Number of Things Never to Say to Your Infertile Friend.
Also, from an inclusive perspective, it’s worth pointing out that “Don’t Give Up” phrase is very Christian-centric (it comes from the Bible — see Galatians 6:9) and therefore excludes people of a different or no faith.Whatever one’s personal faith is: Isn’t Resolve supposed to be more neutral?
I’m not berating anyone for having used this phrase in the past. It is, after all, meant to be a morale booster! But I know I’m not alone when I say I’d like to see Resolve encourage people to say something different. You have the power and the influence, why not wield it?
I know that childfree living is a terrifying prospect for anyone embarking on ART. It’s the biggest fear, isn’t it? What if this never works? But the reality is, as even your website says, some people must eventually make the incredibly difficult decision to stop their pursuit of parenthood. My heart goes out to the childfree-after-infertility group. We must not forget about these people — especially when we are trying to encourage others at the beginning of their journeys.
Why not poll people on Twitter to see why people think? I’m sure this wonderful community could find an inclusive phrase of encouragement that speaks to everyone, no matter stage of family building they’re at. I’d be happy to help in any way I can.
Don’t you agree?
Thanks for reading!
Sincerely,
Lauren aka @OnFecundThought
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Friends, what do you think? Can you think of a better phrase / hashtag that we could use instead?
I think you did a great job of explaining why “Don’t give up!” can be insensitive. Of course on the other hand the phrase might be what someone needs or wants to hear…but you’d only know that by knowing them and where they are at in their journey. It’s not something to say unthinkingly. I also believe that “giving up” (or as I prefer to think of it, giving up on one path while choosing another) is absolutely sometimes the best thing to do and the right thing to do. That doesn’t make giving up easy of course. Going on isn’t easy either. There are no easy choices when it comes to infertility or sub-fertility; all of them are difficult in some way.
Thank you! I really like your perspective of choosing another path. How else would you describe it but I gave up the idea of having a genetic child. That said, if, when I had made the choice to do DEIVF, someone told me never to give up on the idea of having a child with my own eggs, I think I would have been mightily pissed off.
As I wrote this, I thought of a good motto instead. It’s French, but requires no translation: Courage! (Pronounce “koo-RAJ” for anyone who doesn’t speak/read French.) It wishes the person success, cheers them on, acknowledges the struggle, but, most importantly perhaps, doesn’t actually tell them what to do.
I agree that it’s not a great phrase for most of the reasons you mentioned above, and I’m glad you’re explaining your (and many others’!) thoughts on this. I would mention though that I’m a Christian and had ZERO idea that was a “Christian-centric” phrase and have never once thought of it that way when I’ve said it / heard it an all sorts of situations (sports/jobs/etc). I wonder if I’m alone on that or if most people wouldn’t know its Christian background?
To be completely honest, Josey, I wouldn’t expect most people (even Christians) to know it’s Christian. I threw it in there for extra emphasis, because the fact that I came across the phrase with a link to the Bible earlier that day seemed too serendipitous not to argue that point. And I and others on Twitter are really hoping Resolve takes a stand on the phrase “Don’t Give Up,” and this seemed like another way to get them to respond. Is that horribly sneaky of me?? ;)
I’m not sure of a new phrase, and I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone say ‘don’t give up’ to me, my pet peeve is ‘just stop trying and it will happen when you least expect it’, I have never seen a BFP, just a string of negatives. I’m on my last try, this is it, the final one, and I’ve been preparing myself for the worst, while hoping for the best. I’ve been trying to imagine a life without children, which has been my life so far, but I never thought my future would be forever void. I’ve thought about puppies and obscenely expensive shoes and never ending travel and other grown ups only things. Its easy now, to joke about it, but I’m not sure how easy it will be, if this fails me too. Somehow, I need to find peace.
People really ought to just shut up, shouldn’t they? *eyeroll*
I have everything crossed for you! Fingers, eyes, legs, heart! When is OTD? Did you cycle yet??
haha, yes they should just stop. talking.
Transfer is this Saturday! Donor’s retrieval is tomorrow. excited and nervous.
This resonates so hard with me. My struggle to become a mother has always been offset with my struggles to become and remain mentally healthy. After my most recent miscarriage, I’ve been considering going on birth control for a year because frankly, I’ve been way too close to the edge. The stress of trying and the stress of loss have led to a significant relapse into depression and PTSD. And frankly, there’s nothing out there to help me. There is no research on how to help someone with an existing mental illness on the journey to becoming a parent – I guess because people like me used to be sterilized.
When people tell me don’t give up/at least you know you can get pregnant I want to scream. I have lost three babies, and each time it’s taken months – if not years – to recover. I want to be well; I want to be a mother. I’m not running out of time… yet. But is it fair to my husband to want to be a mother badly enough to risk my own life? On the other hand, is it fair to put aside his dreams of being a father “just” so I can get well?
Eesh. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. :( Are there no resources for people with mental illnesses who want to be parents? I know I’ve come across some blogs of people whose depression / anxiety skyrocketed during pregnancy or postpartum. And there’s Celeste over at http://www.runningnekkid.com who, as I recall, although she didn’t have any problems conceiving, she had a stillborn son. She’s fluent in grief and loss and depression. She might be a good person to connect with too?
Yeah, people used to say “at least you can get pregnant.” Fat lot of good that did me. Frankly, the thought that I could get pregnant with my own eggs is terrifying. I’d definitely miscarry. And even though I wouldn’t have any expectations for a live birth of a phenotypically normal baby, I’m sure it would still be terrible. This is why it’s important to talk about loss, so by and by people will understand what NOT to say.
I wish I had an answer for you. Big hugs. xo