Man, it’s tough being considered a normal pregnant person after loss and expensive treatments! It’s been a whole week since my last ultrasound, and I’ve been spoiled with weekly ultrasounds and regular appointments since November. I won’t have another until the Nuchal Translucency scan on May 5th — a whole 2½ weeks away!
With no proof of heartbeat to reassure me, I have a new tactic to separate anxiety from Something Is Wrong: if I sit quietly, I can feel a diffuse warmth in my lower abdomen that feels like life unfurling. Sometimes there is the sensation of a tickle-scratch on the inside of my uterus.
I imagine lots of women who have miscarried before might take comfort in usual pregnancy symptoms. Oh, I have them alright, but because mine was a missed miscarriage — one that ended silently, with no cramping and show of blood — I don’t put too much stock in symptoms. (But unlike women whose pregnancies ended with a sudden show of blood, I am not a habitual loo paper inspector; nor have I been freaked out by the tiny amount of spotting from the progesterone pessaries which irritate my cervix.) Although symptoms are less intense some days than they are others, I haven’t had this uneasy feeling that something is wrong like I did last time. For as long as I don’t feel like something is wrong, I tell myself that all must be well, even if I don’t believe it.
However little reassurance actual symptoms give me, I still take delight in my changing body. (Well, except for the dry, red skin on my face and the fine dehydration lines that persist in spite of guzzling over two litres of water a day.) My breast tenderness comes and goes, and the girls have a network of green veins they didn’t before. My nipples are darker, and their edges are blurred. Strangely, their skin is dry and flaky, so I’ve taken to moisturising the girls once a day, along with my belly.
I have the beginnings of a bump that even my friend, E, noticed a couple of weeks ago. When we met up again a week later, she noticed a difference. This is perhaps the most exciting change in my body of all! What used to be a flat area between my hipbones is now slightly convex, which in turn pushes farther out the pouch of fat around my navel. I can still fit into my jeans, but am more comfortable fastening them with a hairband. And I’m wearing baggy t-shirts, a style I haven’t worn since I was a grunge-y teenager. And, like a teenager, I’m sleeping a lot — about nine hours at night, and a two-hour afternoon nap if I can squeeze it in (the perks of working from home part-time). No wonder I haven’t been blogging as much! The fatigue is overwhelming at times. I read that my body is using more energy at rest than someone who is doing a work-out! I believe it — I haven’t been this exhausted since I had glandular fever (mono) in 1997.
But there is one symptom which brings me some comfort: Morning (and After Dinner) Sickness! I have never been so glad to feel so shitty in my life. Even DH grins when I am ashen. I’ve taken to eating a Ritz cracker or fig newton when I get up to pee around 4am, which takes the edge off the nausea. I haven’t thrown up yet, although I’ve come close a couple of times. My main problem is a new-found aversion to most food and not being able to eat before noon. Fish is out of the question, as is anything that smells fishy — like the edamame that MIL heated up the other day. I’m occasionally willing to eat some chicken. I’m not even into my morning cup of (now herbal) tea, preferring a yoghurt drink instead. And, most unusual for me, I have gone off my beloved evening treat of a few squares of dark chocolate. I get by on goat yoghurt, cheese strings (thanks, Josey!), beans, oranges, vegetables, and the healthiest junk food I can find (carrot & sweet potato crisps, unsweetened fig newtons, Kashi cookies
Slowly, slowly, I’m beginning to relax into this pregnancy a little, even going so far as to take my first belly shot and buy myself my first pregnancy-related items (Preggie Pops and Earth Mama Morning Wellness Tea): in just two weeks’ time, I will stop taking all the hormones that are sustaining this pregnancy because the placenta will have taken over. And what a milestone that will be! I don’t mind taking six extra pills a day, but I will be very pleased to stop the pessaries. Apart from what looks like a baking soda experiment in your knickers (pantiliners, how I have come to love thee), progesterone up your hooha twice a day (several hours after taking the estrogen, often inconvenient) causes a burning discomfort to the point where I asked my nurse practitioner to check for a yeast infection. (I was mildly disappointed because it means there’s nothing to take for it!)
It’s incredible to me to think that in two weeks’ time I will be in my second trimester. It’s not a finish line by any means, but I’m so looking forward to reaching that milestone, when risk of miscarriage drops sharply, when I don’t have to skulk around avoiding questions, when I can start learning how to be a normal pregnant person, encouraged by a swelling belly and the first sensations of movement.
But I have to take things day by day. Today I am 10 weeks’ pregnant, and so grateful for this little date-sized human who I hope is still growing inside me.
Yay for 10 weeks! everything sounds great. Re: pants fastened with elastic, I just bought some bella bands and they are very comfortable, and I’m so excited I can still wear my jeans! Maybe something to think about in a couple of weeks….
this is so exciting Lauren, i’m really happy for you- and also know that feeling of ‘not being out of the woods yet.’ Which may never come- and that’s ok too- like you’re doing, you can still enjoy little and big things about being pregnant (or seeing your husband) while simultaneously protecting yourself by being cautious. It’s the reality that most IF women (and men sometimes) live in. It doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy your pregnancy at ALL so hopefully you don’t get discouraged. And the nuchal scan in a couple weeks should be really fun (I hope!) and hopefully will be a great Mother’s Day present for you!
I’m a big math geek, so I remember being 8w pregnant and thinking “1/5 of the way done” and 10 weeks pregnant “1/4 of the way done!” … and so on and so forth. You’re 1/4 of the way through this pregnancy – isn’t that crazy?! I’m praying for a very boring, uneventful, completely normal 30 weeks to come for you. :)
FWIW, i was surprised how long it took for my swelling belly to look like a pregnant belly to anyone besides me. You’ll probably find yourself wishing around 16 weeks to look MORE pregnant… but remember that you grow a lot in the end, so take the slow growth in the beginning as a blessing. You’ll have plenty of time to be obviously pregnant (and probably uncomfortable) those last 3 months. :)
YEAH!! Math geeks unite! Dellaquella is a big one too — four days ago when I was 10w I thought “1/4 of the way through” when lo and behold she referred to me in a tweet as Ms. 25% and herself as Ms. 87.5%, haha!
Thanks for your prayers for a boring pregnancy! I’ve certainly had enough excitement in the conception side of things, that’s for sure…
Right now I’m at a puffy stage. It’s super obvious to me (as well as DH and his parents, who we live with) that my belly is a pregnant belly, but I managed to avoid any remarks from the extended family at Easter yesterday. I guess it takes time to ‘pop’ because you are tall (I seem to remember you’re 5’8″?) and have more room for baby to stretch out in. I’m not expecting to pop for a long time (I have my 6′ frame and a long waist to thank for that) but I’m also on the skinny side, so for the first time in my life I’m digging looking like I’m bloated (I’m not)!
So glad to have a seasoned mama sharing her wisdom, Josey! First BBT, now pregnancy, and, one day I hope, parenting :)
I’m so very happy things are moving along normally, Lauren! And aren’t the food aversions brutal. I couldn’t eat meat or vegetables of any sort during the first tri. All I wanted was sour candy, chips, and lean cuisine pizzas! Do they even make those any more? Lol!
T.H.A.N.K.Y.O.U.!.!.! Yeah, food aversions are mental, and my sense of smell is hilarious. DH is always testing it out — the other morning he wanted to know if his freshly ground coffee was the same as the old grounds he’d saved for another time. He couldn’t tell the difference, but I could!
I like cheese and oranges. But I also enjoyed more processed food in the month I had morning sickness than I have eaten in the last year! Frozen burritos and Ritz crackers were at the top of my list :)
I’m going to try the whole focus on your belly, feel the warmth thing. I’ve only had to go 2 1/2 weeks inbeteeen ultrasounds. My NT scan is next Fri 4/25 and I was trying to explain to my SIL the other day how I needed to see the baby on the NT scan so I could see the heartbeat and know it’s still alive. And she said, “oh isn’t that the best?” Yes it is but actually I NEED to see it. She doesn’t get it and I don’t assume she would.
Stopping crinone was the best. Count down those days it’s great! I stopped mine at 9 weeks. Unfortunately the second tru starts at 14 weeks not 12. So 4 more weeks not 2. It’s killing me too.
Looking forward to your NT scan update.
Did you have any success, Heidi? You must be feverishly counting down the days until Friday! Yeah, unless someone has been through loss / infertility, they won’t understand the need for reassurance. I’m going in tomorrow to hear the heartbeat. My OB is very understanding, lucky me :)
It seems there are different ways to calculate the second tri, and different providers use different methods. Here’s a good explanation (for you or anyone else reading this) from Baby2See.com:
Although I will definitely see 13+3 and 14+5 as mini-milestones, I’m going to stick with 12+0 as the second tri, because I like that it is broken down by development and viability. Not to mention, it’s shorter too :) And my RE and OB go by 12 weeks as second tri too, I believe.