When we made the decision to try for a second child it was after a conversation with my Ob/Gyn who agreed with me that a hysterectomy was likely at the time of delivery. In short, yes, I’m willing to give up my fucking uterus in order to have a second child.
September 2016: natural cycle cancelled because ovulation was delayed due to injury.
October 2016: FET1 – PGS-tested male embryo. BFN.
December 2016: FET2 – PGS-tested female embryo. BFN.
May 2017: FET3 – PGS-tested female embryo. Suspected chemical pregnancy.
Thus, my reason for being so angry and heartbroken.
Friday morning (9dp5dt) I had a faint positive on a FRER pregnancy test. Friday evening, I tested with a ClearBlue. The line was darker, so I was hopeful. Saturday morning the ClearBlue was lighter, and I had some spotting. More than I’ve ever had—and I’m on PIO and haven’t had sex, so it’s not an irritated cervix. Sunday morning, just a whisper of a second line on a FRER.
I get my beta results in 2-4 hours’ time, but I’m not holding my breath.
Historically, I have not had problems getting pregnant. My particular brand of infertility is related to a fucked up chromosome. I thought by removing my DNA from the equation we would have a solution. I thought all we had to do was pick a fucking date for transfer. I feel so fucking naïve.
There has been some talk about my clinic’s vitrification process not being top notch. My RE and a second opinion RE have both said, “When you transfer a PGS-tested embryo into a woman who hasn’t had problems getting pregnant in the past, and she doesn’t get pregnant, we have to look at there being a problem with her uterus or the embryos.” So if there’s a silver lining, it’s that this little embryo did implant. I just don’t know why she didn’t stick around.
But all I can think of is all the fucking money we’ve spent ($20,000 since September, and now just got a bill for $5,600 for my hysteroscopy in March which declared my uterus healthy) and how the people who cycled just ahead of me last year are beginning to have their babies, and I can’t even get out the gate. This year smacks so hard of 2013, the year of grief. It goes without saying, though, that it’s much easier because we have darling V.
Few people who haven’t experienced pregnancy loss and/or infertility understand the complex feelings surrounding the longing for a child. A couple of people have told me to just be grateful for the child I have—as though I am not, which is so rude. I am SO grateful for my exquisite daughter. She is everything I wanted in a child, and more. But I really wanted two or three children. I never imagined—until recently—that I might only have one. When I’ve already given up so much (innocence, timing, genes, carefree pregnancy, midwife-led birth), not being able to have a second child and give her a sibling feels very fucking unfair.
And I know life isn’t fair. Obviously. I just feel worn out, struggling so much to do what 75% of the population does so easily. Unthinkingly.
And the other piece to this is, we have 4 embryos left and 13 eggs. But if I can’t get pregnant with one of 4 remaining embryos, is there any point to fertilizing the eggs? Maybe we should move them to a new clinic—but if our embryos have been damaged by the freezing process, surely our eggs must have been too?
Except that, after that, we’re done. We don’t have the money for a fresh cycle. We certainly don’t have the funds for a surrogacy cycle, even if that were something in time I could wrap my head around. And I think this is the thing that I’m struggling with too: once we’ve run out of gametes, that’s it. There’s no, ‘let’s give my eggs another try’, no ‘just one more cycle.’ When we’re done, it’s not because we choose to be done and accept the feelings of grief that come with that.
When we are done, it will be because the line in the sand has been drawn for us.
At best, that line will be because of a hysterectomy.
And how fucking surreal is that?
♥
Update: my RE called me to deliver the news that my beta was less than five. Not pregnant.
Lisa Stevenson says
Greetings. I came across your name looking at”free lance” writers, which I once was. I’m busy being a mom now. Please don’t give up. I suffered from a disability. I knew I would not be allowed to adopt. I lost my girl in the 1st tri; I know it was a girl. I later got pregnant, & gave birth even with a disability. I was ready to adopt, but….
Anyway, my aunt adopted. I have 2 great cousins. Being there once, I’m sorry. I wanted more but the doctor said no. Good luck to you & your husband.
Lauren says
How interesting (and cool!) that you found me the way you did, Lisa! I’m actually open to adoption, but with the costs being as high as they are (comparable to or even exceeding DEIVF), that’s not something we can afford. Also, as an atheist, I rather fear we would be turned down by most adoption agencies. That just happened to a friend of mine here in San Diego. :/
I’m so glad you have your rainbow girl! Thanks for reading.
Lauren x
Sarah says
Holding your hand from afar and hoping that your second child is just waiting for the right time to make an appearance. I hope it’s soon xxx
Leila says
hugs so sorry!
torthúil says
This is very frustrating and unfair Lauren. Thinking of you as you work your way through these options and emotions. I wish it had turned out differently this time. :-( It’s hard to feel so close to success and yet so far away, and to not understand why.
Raindrops&Roses says
Oh Lauren….I am so incredibly disappointed for you and can just feel the pain in your words. I understand it and I share it and I so wish that things could have worked out this time. The time for comfort and thinking philosophically will come later but for now I’m just enraged for you and am putting two fingers up to infertility and to the unfairness of it all. Bless you xx