I am really upset. About lots of things.
Our FET won’t be happening next month because the SHG is happening next month. We told our RE back in March that we wanted to do a transfer in August, and I was told to call on CD1 in July. Obviously, I should have been told to call in June.
We made several plans based on an August transfer, including moving house. Right now, FET looks like it will happen around September 24th.
A September transfer is less than ideal for a variety reasons, particularly that my MIL is going to be on vacation so she won’t be able to watch V and look after me while I’m on bed rest. So now I’m going to have to hire someone and I’ve never done that before.
I’ve also just learnt that my SHG will also be looking at adhesions in my uterus from the placenta accreta. Talk about dropping a bombshell on me. I’m just thankful that, if there are adhesions, a hysteroscopy will only delay things by a week. The communication chain at my clinic is terrible, and I am pretty pissed off by it.
Meanwhile, I have had seven pregnancy announcements this year. It’s a strange thing to be filled with happiness for your friends whilst feeling the surge of grief for your own fucked up DNA. It’s also strange to look at my daughter — this darling, healthy intelligent, empathic, goofy creature, who is EVERYTHING I could have asked for in a child — and know you wouldn’t change a thing, but still find grief triggered by others’ innocent comments about how much their kid looks like them.
I wish I could get past this fucking grief.
I wish more DEIVF mothers were open about their journey.
I wish people — infertiles, as well as not — would recognise that there is an extra layer of parenting that comes with having a child who doesn’t share your DNA, and it is something I have to think about on a daily basis. Guess what? I love it when people ask about our donor! I hate it when people avoid the “elephant in the room!”
And I wish others would recognise that just because someone never received a PPD or PPA diagnosis does not mean that person doesn’t need support or that life is hunkydory. I wish I’d been shown more compassion when I shared that I might only have one more period in my life (because if the FET works — you know, IF — then the likely outcome is caesarean-hysterectomy). That’s a headfuck, and it was very upsetting when someone decided that her pain trumped mine and complained that I mentioned the acronym “FET” (which was only to give context to what I was saying).
Sheesh, can’t we all support each other, even when it hurts? Can’t we practice being kind to someone while honouring our own sadness?
So I feel like I’m in a no man’s land. I’m not a regular parent, and I don’t feel like I’m a part of the online infertility community anymore.
I am still upset. I am angry about all of this. But this corner of the internet is mine so I’ll use it to process my feelings — even if this time around hardly anyone is reading. That’s the only way I can get to a place of kindness.
Maybe the social media break will free up more time during the day for me to spend with my daughter and write my book. It’s time to redirect my energy more creatively.
I’m so sorry about the FET delay, and I hate that you are not getting the support you need and deserve from the infertility community. That’s just not right. I think of you often, and I’m hoping that everything goes well with your SHG.
I’m sorry that you’ve had setbacks with your FET and that you’re not feeling supported. I hope that everything goes well with your SHG and that you’re able to move onto your (fingers crossed, successful!) transfer quickly <3
Oh darling. Can you please move house (again) to NZ so you can live next door to me and we can drink wine and give hugs and commiserate over how fucked up but also bloody brilliant being a DEIVF parent is?!? It seriously breaks my heart that you are having a shitty time (and that you live so far away from me). I wish I could make things better for you. I think their must be a reason for the delay, and I mean that in a spiritual/cosmic way….things happen for a reason. Maybe something like this….my boys were due Oct 23rd, which is actually Oct 24th in NZ time (a great date as you know)…your FET might happen Sept 24th which is actually Sept 25th NZ time (my boys birthday, another great date).
Sending you mega loads of love. xx
Sorry to hear that the scheduling is now off and some unexpected questions have complicated things. I hope it works out but even if so it does sound like “why one more thing” stress. I have complicated feelings about other people reproducing too: it’s not like I don’t want them to, but it does remind me of my unanswered questions and loose ends and flaws. But I fully agree about supporting even when it hurts: we need to push through that stuff. I hope you can work through these challenges one at a time.
I’m in awe of your strength. I’m so sorry this fertility road has been such a rocky one. I’ve been trying to be more open about my miscarriages because I see from your example how important it is to be more open about our journeys. Virtual hugs from NYC.
I am so touched that you are reading and decided to comment, friend! What an unexpected pleasure! I’m stoked that you’re jumping on the openness bandwagon (if I can call it that) because I do think it’s important to talk about the uncomfortable stuff. Bravo! It’s scary at first, but it gets easier. Massive hugs to you, will try to email you soon xoxo
This is so much to go through. Sending love and solidarity your way. I cheer anyone who is prepared to face their feelings in this process. X
I guess the thing that surprised me is that it doesn’t end just because you have a kid. It persists. The only way out is through! Cheering you on, comrade! xx
I’m reading my beautiful friend!! Love you so much xxxxx
Love you so much too, sweetie <3