…my outburst the other night, truthful though it was, may have been premature.
Incredibly, I’ve received many messages of support and understanding. Though I may have driven some away by my harsh words, I am more surprised by the number of women who have said I get it. I respect your decision. But I hope you’ll come back.
Yesterday, I thought about all your words, your unflinching kindness. Thank you so much, lovely ladies. You made me think, why can’t OFT have a happy ending? Maybe it won’t be the happy ending I hoped for (no little girl grows up dreaming of doing IVF with donor eggs) but maybe there can be some happiness. I am still wobbly, still reeling. But today I understand that I need this online community. Life is lonely enough without further isolating myself and pushing people away.
Yesterday afternoon, I was seriously considering chalking up my last post to a grief-induced outburst and timidly returning to this community–though perhaps not as often as before. My life is already consumed with infertility, it’s good to have time out doing other things.
By evening, I had made my resolve. To my astonishment, I had more proof that life goes on: my peace lily, whose earth carries traces of my Bean, had finally flowered.
I am so glad to hear you aren’t leaving this space for good although I know how it feels to need and want to go away. I don’t know if this is helpful, but blogging became a new entity for me once I shed the idea that it needed to be positive/uplifting and showing a forward progression in order for others to read and relate. I realized that people cared about me as a person going through a hard time, whether or not they could relate to my circumstances… they cared. They weren’t swayed by my confusion and fear. And we are here for YOU, the person that we have grown to care about….. no matter how your story unfolds. We have no expectations and if this space helps you, then by all means, spew the ugly rage fits if need be. I have moments where I swear off blogging FOR GOOD….. then I come back. And it’s ok. We will always be here. And sure enough the most moving comments and emails from others come after my hardest and heaviest posts. I understand that you have insanely unique circumstances that may make you feel disconnected from others and hopeless but I can relate to pain and fear and frustration and many other feelings you write about…. and I care about you and if you feel it beneficial, work it out here and we will buoy you and validate your feelings and fears and at the very least… make you feel less alone in this odd journey that is life. Sorry for being such a sap but you have been on my mind and heart the last few days. Take care XOXO
Melanie, I’m really moved by your comment. You’re right, our blogs are our diaries, our account of the madness. It ain’t all roses, and people who travel with us get that. I’ve come to understand that this week. Thank you so much. Sap away, darling!! Xx
Hi Lauren, I’m so glad you decided not to leave the blogging community. I always look forward to your posts, not just because I love your writing but because I think of you as a friend and want to know what’s going on in your life. It’s true that very few people can relate to the devastating news you have been dealt, but we still want to be able to support and cheer you on. You are a brave lady, and I know you’ll keep fighting.
Ah, my not-so-faceless friend. You humble me in the best possible way. Deep in gratitude to have you in my life. xo
I’m glad ur feeling better today. It’s understandable to feel hurt and angry when ur dealing with a lot if bad news at once, but better days are coming. And there’s nothing wrong with stepping back fro the online community when u need a break. You will be welcomed back when ur ready. Hugs.
I hope so! You’re right, we all need time out to reflect, question, and decide. Thanks for staying for the ride! x
You can’t stop now. You are already in love with the baby you will one day have and that’s not something you can just walk away from. All love stories have a happy ending it just takes longer to get there for some. Best wishes for the strength to carry on :)
Beautifully put.
I too am glad you are staying. Someone out there, someplace is going to find strength and support in this community just as I have.
I’m glad you’re sticking around, Tina. And it pleases me no end to hear you’ve found this corner of the Internet supportive.
How serendipitous that your lily chose this day to bloom. I think you will find your happy ending and wonder how on earth you would have found it any other way. I’m glad you have chosen to share the journey with us.
I hope so too. I’m glad you’ve chosen to stick around!
My love! So glad you are going to stay. And you know, the love from the community is all yours, and at the same time, none of this pain is in any way your fault. Love you!!!!
I love you too.
Good! I’m so happy to hear that! :)
How on earth did you get your lily to flower? Mine is hopelessly dormant…
Honestly? I have no idea. Maybe burying my Bean and the placenta helped nourish it. I water it once or twice a week and keep it away from the sunny Cali window. I also rescued it from Home Depot, so between that, it being the final resting place for Bean, some spooky beyond-the-grave chance, and my gardening ineptitude, I see it as beautiful serendipity.
I am so happy to read this latest post Lauren. I was hesitant to comment on your last post, knowing that I represent the slap in the face that is so painful to you right now. I wanted to tell you that, for what it’s worth, I still believe you’ll get your happy ending, even if it may not look like you’d expected it to. But in your wisdom, you’ve reached that conclusion yourself.
Our situations are different, but I too know the pain of feeling utterly alone. My heart hurt for you when you poured that pain out here on your blog. Blogging has been for me an outlet for releasing the pain, and ultimately feeling less alone, even if no one else has walked in exactly my shoes. I think it’s healthy and wise to step back and take breaks when you need to, but I hope you know that however long your silences, I’ll be sending you so much love and wishing with all my heart that you find a happy ending. You deserve it. Give yourself time, do what feels right in the moment; I agree with Lisette, your feelings will come and go and change and contradict themselves. And that’s ok. But know that whatever is happening and whatever you’re feeling, we are hear to support you in whatever way we can. Love to you my friend. xx
I’m always happy to hear from you, Sadie. I am so pleased for you. And I can allow myself to be happy for you, in spite of my feelings, precisely because you are a thoughtful and sensitive woman. Thank you for accepting my storm, knowing it as a weather system that will change. Thank you for everything, friend xx
I am so happy that this won’t be the last we hear of you, so relieved that you find some support from this community of women who wish the very best for you, and so encouraged by your determination to have a child by whatever route it takes to get there. You are dealing with a life changing blow. Life will be up and down, your emotions will be ever changing. But we are here to support you no matter how you feel, no matter what you say. We will hold your hand as you take baby steps, one day at a time. Lots of love xx
Lots of love to you, friend. Thank you for these loving and encouraging words.
Love to you.Can’t tell you how glad I am you’ve decided to stay xx
So much love to YOU. I can’t believe you’re here, today of all days. Can’t stop thinking about you, honey x
Your words reached out to me during my darkest days. I am here for you x
Here for you too, comrade. x