At this point, I’m fairly open about egg donation. If it comes up and I feel like sharing, I share. If I can’t be bothered to get into it, I don’t.
“If I can’t be bothered…”
What a difference in attitude! A simple shrug from someone talking about something that’s no big deal.
One of my closest friends, S., visited us in June. By way of talking about Nellie, she accidentally referred to her as “the real mother.” It was a total faux pas, but I didn’t need to correct her. I knew S. — a dear friend who has been a staunch ally throughout my miscarriage and infertility journey — was mortified by the way she had misspoken.
In that moment, I was more struck by how unruffled my feathers were. Yep, it’s true that Nellie is technically the “genetic mother” — but the word “mother” carries so much weight, it’s not really an accurate descriptor. Egg donation is still so new that a lot of the language people use is borrowed from adoption.
The next day, the word “mother” came up in conversation with S. I referred back to how she’d referred to Nellie as “the real mother” and explained how it hadn’t upset me because I knew what she’d meant. S. had been so upset by it she’d had a near-sleepless night and almost burst into tears then and there.
As I hugged her, I hugged the knowledge that I was obviously very secure in my role as mother. Who else is V’s mom but me?
I know there are many people who mightily disagree with the way in which I built my family. But they’re probably the same people who think that any form of reproductive assistance is “playing god” or put too much stock in DNA.
Either I can convince them or not. And if not, then, quite frankly, they can fuck off out of my life.
It sounds melodramatic, but I’m serious.
If anyone is going to be a dick about DEIVF, I’d rather they were a dick to me than my sweet bright-eyed girl.
And I would rather know sooner than later.
♥
Last week, I was interviewed for the Beat Infertility podcast. I was very nervous but I thought Why not? What if someone listening to it has just received a similar diagnosis? Or thinks DEIVF is a death sentence? So I chatted about my diagnoses and how we came to be parents to our sweet, smart, healthy, curious, and funny little girl:
The following idea has been percolating for a week: I’m this close to sharing my interview on Facebook, which would be the ultimate self-outing. As my father often says, Publish and be damned! I think I’ve reached the point where I feel like being transparent is the best thing for my family. What is it that I’m hiding exactly? What do I fear? What’s the worst that could happen? Why shouldn’t I share this link, which outlines exactly what we went through and why we chose the path we did? (These are not rhetorical questions, so feel free to share your thoughts!)
Besides, if I just announced, 10 months after V’s birth, that she was conceived thank to an egg donor, it’s kind of making it a big deal; but sharing a podcast in which I’m interviewed is actually an opportunity: if people listen to it, will answer a lot of questions; and if they have a problem with DEIVF, buh-bye.
I don’t want to be the poster mom for egg donation, but I do wish more people were more open about their choice. How is it that I can be irritated that celebrities aren’t open about their choice but hold myself to a double standard? If more parents like me were open, that would be a helluva movement towards a greater understanding that egg donation is not really a big deal at all, which, for kids conceived thanks to a donor, makes the world a little safer.
And isn’t that ultimately what we want for our children?
kiwiUS says
Great interview Lauren. Its funny, I myself, actually forget regularly that I’m using donor, and never once, since being pregnant, have I been upset, or felt a loss of genetics or anything less that they are mine. At my scan yesterday we were talking head size, and I commented that my forehead was quite small, and my husbands wasn’t huge either, it took me a few minutes to remember, my donor had a much larger forehead. But it made me laugh that I forgot. I still don’t feel like telling the world, but I am not ashamed of it.
Kitten says
Lauren, there can be no doubt you are V’s wonderful mommy! Our language is woefully inadequate when it comes to DEIVF and any kind of donor situation. I think about same sex couples who grapple with similar comments and assumptions. I think it’s awesome that you’re considering sharing your interview. Your story is so important and continues a great deal to educating everyone about DEIVF. I’m wholly supportive. The only reason I could see to not share it is if you don’t plan to tell V about her origin until later in her life. But I know you plan to make that part of the story from the very beginning, so it’s not really an issue.
RaindropsandRoses says
Another lovely post Lauren. There can be no doubt in anyone’s mind that you are V’s mummy and the grace with which you dealt with your friend’s faux pas shows how far you have come in this journey. What can be more ‘real’ than the love and nurturing you have given her every second of her life. You are right to own it, champion it and be proud of sweet V’s origins. Few babies can be as loved, wanted and miraculous as her and as her mummy you should feel able to share just what a journey you had to bring her into the world. If anyone has a problem with that they are not worthy of your time, energy or facebook account!