My mammogram and ultrasound at the Moores Cancer Center went well. It’s really something to walk into a waiting room where there’s a woman my age, wearing a hat in a wheelchair. I must say, I haven’t felt this blessed in a waiting room since my genetic counselling appointment back in October.
I changed into a spa-like robe and took a seat in a private waiting area. The mammogram technician was bubbly and funny. She noticed that on my form I said I was on hormone replacement therapy but hadn’t yet gone through the menopause. I explained that I was taking 10mg of estradiol for IVF. Ugh, she sighed sympathetically. I hate estrogen. Actually, I hate progesterone more. My boss and a few of my friends have had a hard time conceiving. My boss got reeeeally cranky. She tried to hide that she was injecting herself, but, you know, we all knew… So, when do you start stims?
There was that brief humming in that in-between moment. There is still some shame surrounding the loss of my fertility, but also fear that I will be judged. People can be quick to think that adoption is an easy, quick, and cheap alternative to a genetic child. Some think that by adopting you will get pregnant naturally. (Nope! As Melissa Ford writes in Navigating the Land of IF, “The number of those who conceive after adoption is the same as those who are infertile and conceive without treatments after not adopting: around 8 percent.”) Some vehemently oppose any form of ART on religious grounds. Others judge you for spending so much money on it. (Those last two groups can kiss my donor egg recipient arse!)
I ‘fessed up that I was actually pursuing donor egg IVF. The tech’s face lit up with curiosity. Oh, because you don’t have any eggs left? I explained that, no, I do have eggs and can even get pregnant (there’s the shame talking!) it’s that I have a genetic disorder and am more likely to miscarry over and over again, but that if I did carry a baby to term, such a baby would likely be severely mentally and physically disabled… The tech and I bonded. There I was, standing in my favourite skinny jeans and my favourite gold shoes, naked from the waist up, with a nice view of La Jolla, talking about donor egg IVF.
Then she came over and started squeezing my bosoms into shapes they’ve never been in before. And lemme tell you, that shit is uncomfortable enough without having the tenderness of estradiol coursing through your veins too.
The two lumps were in my right breast. So you can imagine my surprise when I learned the doctor, upon reviewing the scans, requested additional images for my left breast. I was alarmed for a second, then reasoned that if I have something in both breasts, chances are it’s a good thing.
More squeezing and contortion. I never knew my boobs were such acrobats.
The tech directed me towards the ultrasound and wished me well on the next step of my journey, which I thought was a lovely and discreet blessing.
Ultrasound. Is it a bit louche to say having jelly all over my boobs instead of up my hooha (I’ve had a not-so-hot date with Mr. Dildocam at least 20 times this year, and counting!) was a novelty?
PFLUP! Dum-de-dum, left boob is wanded. There’s a cyst, but there’s something inside. Wot? Later, more PFLUP!, and my right tit is wanded. Two more cysts. I have cysts in both breasts, and ‘bilateral weirdness’ is a good sign.
‘Simple cysts’ are simply filled with fluid. I — of course, because nothing is ever straightforward with me — have ‘complex cysts’. Meaning, there is debris in the fluid. So we have to keep an eye on things, meaning, I need a mammogram and/or ultrasound (didn’t quite get which, but will follow up with my primary care doc) every six months for two years. This is to make sure it’s not malignant, and if the cysts are stable then they are considered benign. No biopsy needed. No further testing. It’s not cancer. At least not today.
Today I breathed a huge sigh of relief. As the lovely Adi (who just came out as an infertile after being told her pregnancy wasn’t viable — go give her a cheer!) said, It’s not an all clear, but it’s the next best thing. Once again, January’s DEIVF hasn’t been derailed.
Today I was also reminded that I have friends — genuine friends! — through this blog and Twitter, as well as in real life. I was amazed by the sheer number of people who held me in their thoughts and wished me luck (and even shook their boobies for me), but more amazed by the number of people on Twitter who checked in later when they hadn’t seen an update from me. (Sorry, ladies! I was busy mailing my chocolove and other packages!)
And I have learned — albeit not mastered — that sometimes it’s not worth expending a lot of energy on something that hasn’t happened yet. Yes, I had a meltdown last week, but I feel as though I’m allowed. Most of it had nothing to do with needing a mammogram (although I concede that was the straw the broke the camel’s back). It’s residual grief from my miscarriage, tied up with infertility grief, and a whole shitload of anxiety about DEIVF. It’s compounded by friends getting pregnant, and eased by learning to accept that I am still travelling an unknown path. Not to mention, Christmas is in a week and I’m just not feeling it.
But that didn’t stop me from putting goodies in the mail.
Because there have been a couple of quiet pointers that I am on the right path. One, a piece of music that played, deserves to be a large part of another post I want to write. The other was an email from Valerie at Jizo & Chibi: she recently had a giveaway and I think I entered a single tweet as my entry. I didn’t win again, but mine was the fourth name, a back up winner, to be pulled from the proverbial hat. As she said, I have excellent win karma. Yes, Valerie, I am learning to trust a process, regardless of outcome.
And whatever happens, as the outpouring of amazing comments and emails in response to my Suffocating post showed, I am not alone. I have friends.
Hi guys! I’m so very glad you’re here.
Lauren xx
Catwoman73 says
I’m so glad it went well, and you were even able to bond with the tech! I recently bonded with an x-ray tech who revealed she was a fellow infertile while doing my chest x-ray. You never know where you might meet someone you connect with.
I struggle like mad with the whole not obsessing over things that haven’t happened yet. I am just a person who expects the worst, but hopes for the best. I strive to be more Zen about stressful situations, but I think that is a skill that some of us will struggle with forever. Here’s hoping it gets easier though!
Lauren says
Thank you! Such relief! Funny how sometimes we are compelled to open up and we are met with someone who gets it, or is open-minded enough to want to get it.
Sometimes I console myself by reminding myself that as long as there are things to keep learning, I can get better and better at being me. But, yeah, here’s hoping it gets easier… and soon, please :)
MLACS says
Very glad to hear your health is intact and you’re able to proceed with your transfer! Excellent! XO
Lauren says
Thank you so much! xoxo
Sarah says
So so glad it’s not what you thought it was, and woohoo to DEIVF!!!!!!!! Love to you and yours xxx
Lauren says
Thanks, love! I am too, nice to have you whooping alongside me :) Love to you and yours too xoxo
Angela says
I’m so glad everything looks good! I thought about you all day yesterday <3
Lauren says
You’re sweet — thank you so much! Definitely feeling the love xoxo
Raindrops&Roses says
Fab news! Well done on getting through such a stressful day and being an educator and champion for DEIVF at the same time!! Xx
Lauren says
That’s a lovely way to put it. I hope so! Much love xoxo
Dan says
Gosh, I must have missed the part where the big C was even a possibility on the horizon … providence really owes you one. Glad it’s all good, even if only for now. 2014 needs to suck much, much, much, much less.
Lauren says
Well — a remote possibility, fueled by imagination… Yeah, I think I am owed some good news. Hope it arrives via the stork! Hope all is good with you and the fam. Maybe we can catch up over the hols if they unchain you xoxo
Adi says
xoxoxo and thanks for the love to you. Both middle fingers to your judgey mcjudgersons and a big thumbs up to your tech. Did I miss anyone? <3
Lauren says
Nah, that pretty much covers it :)
Love to you, friend xo