Full Steam Ahead

I have moved into new waters.

You’re reading the words of a woman who has two different things in her hand.

First there was the calendar, outlining how much oestrogen (estradiol, generic Estrace) I take:

Then last night came this, the first oestrogen tablet:

Each tablet is 2mg (6 times more oestrogen than the birth control pill I took for 11 years!) and the calendar is to coordinate ever increasing amounts.  I take 2mg the first three evenings; on Tuesday I take 2mg in the morning and in the evening; every three days I increase the dosage until December 11th, when I will be on a whole 10mg (30 times more than in a birth control pill!) until three days before Christmas.  (You’ll see I also have a repeat ultrasound next Friday, to see how I am responding to the massive hormones.)

Maybe it’s because the last time I took such a picture it was to say goodbye to my baby, but looking at that tiny blue pill in my hand made me get a little choked up. This time I had the thought: Hello babies. This is the first tangible thing that suggests I might meet at least one of you around this time next year.

I’ve always been someone who gets verklempt, but never someone who tears up easily. Until this year, when the word ‘miscarriage’ has been enough to tip me over the edge.

But today I listened to Tara Shafer talk about her stillborn son Dylan and her words, her strong voice continuing in spite of the crack that threatens to break it, made me cry — just a little.  I could relate. I was moved and reminded of my own grief — but I wasn’t overcome the way I would have been even a few months ago.  I never thought I would say this, but I am stronger and more resilient.

And just in time, because I am finally moving forward with DEIVF!

The thought, It’s not going to happen to me, is an unknown truth or unknown lie. I hold on to this hope because, as a dear friend, L, wrote to me a few months ago, Sometimes hope is all we have left.

Miscarriage takes away the blissful innocence that nothing can go wrong with your pregnancy.  That terrible things only happen to other people.  Miscarriage cheats you of the joyful exclamation, We’re going to have a baby!  Assisted reproduction improves the odds of getting — but not staying — pregnant. Donor egg IVF combined with PGD will hopefully minimise our risk of miscarriage because it will screen for chromosomal abnormalities.  I am sure that when (yes, when) I am next pregnant, I will be filled with constant worry that something isn’t right or that something could go wrong.  I am sure I won’t be able to know the difference between fear based on past experience and genuine concern that something is wrong.  Let’s hope I only experience the former and not the latter.

I reel in my anxious thoughts and concentrate on today; and today I am so hopeful. Maybe it’s because I am finally starting DEIVF I can shake off the inertia.  I think this unwieldy ship I’ve been sailing for the past 9 months is finally beginning to turn in the right direction.  It’s not the direction I thought I’d be sailing in, but it’s definitely more of an adventure and I’m learning to roll with it.

Here I come, baby! Full steam ahead.