Dear Nellie

Well, three days ago I wrote an email to Nellie. Judging from my heart-is-pounding tweets, it took me seven minutes to pluck up the courage to hit Send. Here’s what I wrote:

Dear lovely [Nellie],

Hello!! This is Lauren, the woman you are helping to have a baby. My husband, [DH], and I are so happy that you are open to having contact with us and any children we have as a result of your kind help. As I type this, my heart is swelling with gratitude to you. I don’t even know how to thank you for helping us build our family. It is a debt I can never repay, but I promise to pay it forward somehow.

I was thinking about what to say in this first email – I’ve never written one like it before! I wonder if it might seem strange to you that we know quite a bit about you, yet you don’t know anything about us. So, to even things up, I thought I would tell you a little about us and why we need your help. (You are also welcome to ask any questions; we are very open to that.)

I’ll be 36 in April and am a graphic designer, artist, and writer. I’m British by birth, but I was raised in southern Spain and spent a lot of my childhood in L.A. I have a younger brother and sister, both of whom live in London. My mum and step-dad live in Spain, and my dad and his girlfriend live in Bulgaria. I try to visit everyone when I can and hope the next time I visit Europe I will have a little one in tow :)

[DH] is [age] and originally from [place], but moved to [San Diego] when he was 12. He’s an appellate (criminal defense) attorney. He has two younger sisters, and most of his family lives in San Diego.

We met in Paris in 2000. We’ve lived in San Diego since March 2011, and before that we were in New York and London. We both love reading, music, films, good food, and taking our dog, Banjo, to Del Mar beach once a week. I’m attaching a favourite photo of us.

At 35, I’m a lot younger than the average donor-egg recipient. I’ve always wanted to be a mum, and never imagined I would have problems – my mum had my sister when she was 41. I actually got pregnant this time last year but miscarried at 8½ weeks, which was devastating. We started trying again in the summer but, long story short, I discovered that I don’t have many eggs left and was told to proceed straight to IVF. That was enough of a shock, but then worse, my pre-IVF blood work showed I have a messed up chromosome. Basically, I am likely to miscarry over and over again, and if I did carry a baby to term, he or she would probably be severely mentally and physically disabled.

Making the decision to proceed with donor eggs was hard. There was no one whose profile ‘spoke’ to me – until I saw yours. [DH] and I liked everything about you! The more I read your profile, the more excited I became about DEIVF. When [the egg donor coordinator] matched us, I think my heart burst with happiness! You have given me a lot of peace about our decision, and for that I will always be grateful. I’m even looking forward to doing my first ever Lupron injection on Sunday morning :D

Thanks to you, we have a chance at parenthood and we are so hopeful! We’re wondering how you feel about meeting up eventually? If that is something we are all comfortable with, perhaps we could do that at some point? This is unchartered territory for us, but we want to reassure you that we respect your time and privacy, and we value being honest about feelings.

With a warm and open heart,

Lauren [Last Name]

We haven’t heard back yet, but it’s a holiday weekend here in the US. Maybe Nellie is away for the weekend. Maybe she needs to find some time in her (very busy!) schedule to sit down at a computer and write back properly. Maybe she is freaked out by the suggestion of meeting up. Although we are the eighth couple to receive her help, we are the first who enquired about having contact — this is new for her too.

Who knows? But my email to her came from the heart — DH admitted he was close to tears when he read the line  I think my heart burst with happiness! You have given me a lot of peace about our decision, and for that I will always be grateful. — and that is all I can do and the only way I can be.