When I’m sleep-deprived,
it’s because my daughter wants to
nursenursenursenursenurse
every two hours at night.
So my adrenaline spikes and
I can’t fall asleep
my anxiety increases
I have no energy
I lose patience
I have shouted
then I cry
and
f
u
c
k
i
n
g
hate myself
💔
When I’m sleep-deprived,
(which is all the time
but days like today are the worst)
I am extra critical of myself.
Why can’t I get my shit together?
The house is a mess.
I’ll never have a career.
How would I cope with two kids?
💔
When I’m sleep-deprived,
I am filled with doubt.
When will I get a five-hour stretch of sleep?
Is that asking too much?
Am I safe to drive today?
I know I am forgetting something,
but what is it?
💔
When I’m sleep-deprived,
I hold myself to unrealistic beauty ideals
and, even though I know it’s irrational,
I hate my stupid, infertile body
I hate my hips and thighs
I despair at the extra fat
and the new pot belly
and the unwashed smell
and then
my skin breaks out
my back hurts
and I hurt all over.
💔
When I’m sleep-deprived,
it’s because my 15½-month-old daughter
still doesn’t sleep through the night,
and I wonder
what I’m doing wrong
what other parents are doing right
why my loving touch isn’t enough comfort
why months of sleep-training hasn’t worked
if it would be different if she came from my DNA.
💔
When I’m sleep-deprived,
I remind myself that I am so grateful to be a mom.
Truly, I am.
But it doesn’t change the fact that
extreme sleep-deprivation means
I am not the mother I want to be
I am not the wife I want to be
I am not the friend I want to be
I am not the best Me I can be.
💔
When I’m sleep deprived,
it’s hard to be anything
except really tired.
Jess says
Oh honey- just saw this. You have nothing to feel bad about- trying to cope with anything with no sleep is hard hard hard.
And you are a fabulous mum. And an amazing, generous friend.
x
Lauren says
Thank you, lovely. Your heart is big <3
Deb says
We’ve all been there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Catwoman73 says
Hugs sweetie. People said it to me all the time when my daughter was young, and I didn’t believe them at the time, but it’s true- it will get better. Hiring a sleep doula was a huge help for us. In our case, it took a bit of tough love, but it was so worth it. Hang in there…
Lauren says
I hope it will. I am a terrible sleeper and I really wanted my child to have an easier time sleeping than I do. Is a sleep doula different to a sleep consultant? I’m not convinced that it’s worth the money, but I’d love to hear your experience – I don’t know anyone who has used their services!
Raindrops&Roses says
Dear Sweet Lauren, I will drop you an email when I get a moment as I am going through the same thing with my own little sleep thief! You are not alone xxx
Lauren says
I loved your email and will respond soon! Hope you get some sleep! xx
torthuil says
Nap when you can, I mean…
torthuil says
Aw, I’m so sorry. Lack if sleep affects you sanity or perceived sanity very quickly. I wish I could help. I don’t know the riddles of sleep though. We got lucky; we never did anything brilliant that I can think of to help AJ sleep. Although she did get more consistent when she started daycare, maybe that had something to do with it. Maybe you could hire a sleep specialist? Some people say they help. In the meantime mak wham you can; ask people for help: what to say!
Lauren says
I think there is no real riddle except, as you say, LUCK. My DH is pretty good about taking her in the morning when it’s been a rough night. I don’t know what I would do without him! (I’ve thought about a sleep specialist, but it seems a bit like quackery to me. What do they know that I can’t learn from books and online research? I mean, I might learn something, but I’m not convinced it’s worth spending hundreds of dollars on.)