What I Am Learning From My Miscarriage

(Yesterday I didn’t post because it was D-[&C] Day and I ended up having a general anaesthetic. It went very well — no emergency hysterectomy needed! — and another post will follow soon for those of you who are curious to know what it was like.)

Today I am posting late because most of my day has been spent responding to the dozens of well wishes from friends and strangers. I recently emailed my dad and said I don’t think I will ever be glad I miscarried, but I think I am getting to the point where I can be grateful for the lessons learned and the wisdom gained from it.

I have been called brave, strong, and even lovely for starting this blog. I have been thanked for writing about my experience. Bloody hell, the Miscarriage Association even described it as “a powerful blog”! I am humbled, speechless, and it is music to my ears, of course! How wonderful to be accepted and to know that something of my experience resonates with others. But over the past week, I have received messages of strength and courage and amazing kindness from friends, acquaintances, people I’ve never met, and school friends I haven’t spoken to in almost 20 years.

I am learning that I am not alone in my sorrow, envy, pain and fears. So many people have written to tell me that they understand my feelings because they have them too. Talk about validation! I feel like the ‘bad’ feelings are beginning to melt away… I’m sure they’ll pop in for a visit every now and then, but I think I’m getting better at saying Lovely to see you again, Envy, and thank you, Rage, for dropping in unexpectedly, but now I must ask you to leave. Yes, that means you too, Fear! Go on now, I have things to do and places to see and kind friends to visit!

I am learning that almost everyone I know has been affected by miscarriage, or at least knows someone close to them who has. The dreadful club not only has more members than I thought possible, but from all backgrounds, of all ages, of all kinds of heartbreak and loss.

I’ve learned that I know people who were told they would never conceive and who have gone on to have children. Others have had stillborn babies. Some are veterans of this club, having had half a dozen miscarriages. Others have had a miscarriage, or a missed miscarriage, like me. Some are going / have gone the IVF route as a couple, others are doing it solo. Some have seen reproductive endocrinologists for PCOS or endometriosis. Others struggle with secondary infertility (not being able to get pregnant after having had a baby). Some are struggling with infertility and have never got pregnant, despite their best efforts. And others are panicking that they are still single and will never find someone to have a family with.

I’m learning that everyone has a story, and has gained strength and wisdom from it. I am learning how important it is to be ourselves and to tell our stories. We all have a story of suffering, and we have all learned lessons in kindness and courage. Why not share?

I’m wondering if anyone else would like to tell their story here? Perhaps you wrote it down but never wanted to share it until now. Perhaps you didn’t know how to share it and put it online. Or maybe you wanted to share but didn’t know how to remain anonymous. Maybe you never wrote it down but would like to do so now. Perhaps you made a piece of artwork to express your feelings, or created a memory box. However you chose to express your story, if you feel you would like to do so here, even anonymously, you are welcome to. Email me at onfecundthought at outlook.com and we’ll figure out what is most comfortable for you. xo