The Eleventh Hour

It’s been a crazy year. At the beginning, I really hoped to get a positive pregnancy test. I got one, and then a bunch of stuff happened (oh, so cavalier!) and finally, we made the decision to do DEIVF.

This brings us to today.  Right now, we’re waiting for my period to arrive so that we can begin the mock cycle.  This achieves two things: 1) we will see how the lining of my uterus responds to the hormones (this allows for any adjustments to be made — you definitely don’t want to wait until we’re about to transfer embryos to find out); and 2) it will sync my cycle to Nellie’s (because my womb will need to be at a point in the menstrual cycle where it is ready to receive an embryo or two).

So what’s the last thing I’d want right now? As in, what is the one thing that could really screw up our plans?

A positive pregnancy test.

I haven’t had one yet (I’ve tested 6 times since Saturday) but I am not convinced I’m not pregnant. I’m hoping I’m not. Isn’t that weird? I might be the only infertile (or is it ‘fertile but fucked’?) woman who is desperately hoping she’s not pregnant.

You hear about people getting pregnant right before they start IVF and think, Wow, that’s a terrific result! because they don’t have to fork over a pile of money and inject themselves with hormones.  But for me–someone who is doing DEIVF to avoid a genetic issue–this could be an absolute disaster.

If I am pregnant, I am certain to miscarry before the end of the year. Given that Nellie is supposed to start her IVF stims at some point in January… well, this rather fucks up our plans for a fresh transfer in Jan/Feb.

So why can’t I rule out that I’m pregnant? Here’s why:

1. My luteal phase is usually 12 days. The longest it’s ever been is 13 days.  That means today my period is at least one day late.
2. My chart is triphasic — meaning, at 8dpo I had a second temperature increase.
3. That temperature has remained at a steady 98.4x for the past 6 days, except for 10dpo.
4. A temperature dip at 10dpo could be explained by implantation.
5. The following morning (11dpo) there was a drop of red blood when I wiped.
6. Yesterday, I had spotting — a big, red, watery patch.  I thought it might be the beginnings of AF, but since then, nothing.
7. My temperature has consistently been 97.9x (97.91-97.99) the day before my period. My temperature should have plummeted by now.

Not to mention, the past two mornings I have woken up hungry (I usually don’t eat breakfast), and today I awoke with a splitting headache and am feeling nauseated.

The list of reasons why I might not be pregnant is shorter but carries more weight:

1. The only time I could have conceived this cycle is CD10 — three days before ovulation.
2. At that point, we hadn’t had sex for 5-6 days, so the sperm quality wouldn’t have been very good.
3. I have had multiple negative pregnancy tests (Assured / $1 brand, ClearBlue Digital, and FRER) on three consecutive days.

Normally my fertile window begins on CD11, not CD10.  I’m kicking myself for not using protection that day, at least I wouldn’t be in any doubt.  This was my first month of charting for non-TTC purposes and I’ve learned my lesson, that’s for sure!

I just don’t know what’s going on.  I’m not feeling particularly stressed.  I’m not sick.  I feel a bit more tired than usual, but that could be explained by any number of things — illness, pregnancy, shorter days.  Maybe this is just one of those anomalous cycles.  Just my luck to have it when I have a clinic waiting for me to call!

If I am pregnant, I don’t know how I’ll feel.  How can I be glad, knowing there’s a minimum 75% chance I will miscarry?  How can I allow myself to bond with a tiny life that won’t survive?  How can I move forward, knowing I have to go through the physical agony of miscarriage?

I’m hoping I’m not.  I’m hoping my BFN is someone else’s BFP.  It’s so strange to be here, desperately hoping I’m not pregnant.  It’s an IF community curveball — at first, a lot of people on Twitter were whooping at the fabulous triphasic chart.  Then I started using the hashtag #TheOnlyWomanOnTwitterHopingForaBFN.  I got a couple of laughs, and then people understood — ah, such limbo is not always a good thing.  If I were hoping for a BFP, people would refer to me as PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). Am I PUPO?

Come on, Aunt Flo.  Show up for me instead of someone else.  There’s legal paperwork to complete and hormones to take, and I can’t start either without you.

♥

Update (Nov. 26th): Temperature plummeted to 97.97 this morning  so I think it’s safe to say Flo will show tomorrow. There’s a tiny part of me that is wistful because it seems so unnatural to wish that I not be pregnant, but I’m far more relieved.  It’s possible (but unlikely) it could have been a chemical pregnancy — I bet it’s the acupuncture: I just remembered that last time I saw her she was working on lengthening my luteal phase (only 8 days the past 2 cycles). Here’s hoping my BFN will be someone else’s BFP!

Update (Nov 27th): AF showed at lunchtime. PHEW! Let the mock cycle begin!