PUPO

It’s raining in San Diego, so hard the pelts bounce off the neighbour’s roof. My acupuncturist says it’s the perfect weather for implantation–the earth is rich and fertile, not dry and hard the way it has been for so long in this drought. I opened the window and felt the cold breeze that accompanies rain carry the scent of wet dirt. I feel so alive.

I am 2dpt6dt (two days past six-day transfer). I am more PUPO than I have ever been, because this time I know there is life growing inside me. I have two little embies, one male, one female, burrowing their way into my uterine lining. They are not of my body, but they are becoming part of my body. Of this, I am quietly confident.

So many strange twists and turns in my reproductive story have led me to this point. First, to donor eggs, then to Nellie, then to these two little embryos. I honestly believe this will work. How can it not, when so much has had to happen to even get to this point? It doesn’t feel like wishful thinking.

Then there have been other changes in my body. Already. The overwhelming sense of calm even in the face of stressful moments. The beatific smile DH says he sees. My breasts, already sore from the progesterone, have taken on a new tenderness with a warmth behind the nipples. The acute first morning hunger that is usually so alien to me. The beginnings of an unquenchable thirst. The temperature dip yesterday, followed by a sharp rise this morning. The cramps that, although, crampy, are not uncomfortable. A heightened sense of smell. Most unusually, a new symptom: I woke up yesterday because my uterus was humming. I placed my hand over it, as I have so often in meditation the past few weeks, and felt a fluttering, a vibration, beneath my hand. It lasted long after I had fully woken up.

My acupuncturist focused on implantation when I saw her last night. My pulses felt full and good, and I have three magnets around my lower legs. It was too early for her to tell, but she was very hopeful. She explained my new nausea away with the progesterone supplements — a symptom that often appears after you’ve been taking progesterone a while. In my case, a week. She listened as I told her about the vibrating uterus, and repeated how hopeful she was, with another smile at the corners of her mouth.

Afterwards, DH and I went out for dinner within gentle walking distance I saw a pregnant women and, for the first time, I was delighted by her belly. I saw her as a member of my tribe instead of the scary zombie she would have been six months ago. I cannot explain this sea change, only that I feel that I am currently pregnant.

And we have totsicles! An even number of girls and boys. We have several chances to have at least two kiddos, and the pressure is off for it to work first time. I feel so blessed. I am so grateful to Nellie, so humbled by her generosity, I can’t begin to put it into words. She is a lovely young woman and I am delighted that our future kiddos share her genes. I picked well, but timing is everything.

We are so lucky! I just texted DH, who is on a business trip in Sacramento today.

Yes, though I’m surprised to see you use those words after this year! he replied.

I was surprised to see them too…

I’ve chatted with women who are pregnant or mothers through DEIVF and they all said, These babies are mine. Or, There’s no difference between a genetic child and a biological child. Back then, it was reassuring. Now I know what they meant. From the second I knew how many eggs had fertilised, all those little embies were mine. With every daily update, more so. When I saw pictures of my beautiful blastocysts, I fell in love and have had a smile on my face ever since.

Here are Three and Four again:

I look at this photo and marvel that such tiny things are now inside my body — already larger and, I hope, fully embedded. It doesn’t matter that we don’t share the same DNA. I’m here to tell you — whether or not you are considering DEIVF, but especially if you are — that there is no difference in the amount of tenderness I feel towards my lower abdomen with this current very early stage of pregnancy and my previous one. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything — I feel more informed, more self-aware, ever present, so thankful, and enjoying every minute.

All I know is this: Today I am pregnant, and I am drinking in and savouring every day because loving and losing Bean has taught me that life is fleeting and I must cherish every single moment.