For the first time since this ordeal began, I don’t know what to write. How was my day? Well, pretty fucking shitty, if you must know. I awoke at 7.30am having had a sequence of stressful dreams. Strange, because last night I connected with a friend of mine, M., who I have always been very … Read More about Grief Reaction
First Milestone Date
Today marks the first milestone date: precisely one month or four weeks ago today I stared at the ultrasound screen that didn’t show me a heartbeat. Each week has brought new pain and sorrow. First, a strange calm punctuated with ripples of laughter. I know there is no hope, but I am numb and, looking … Read More about First Milestone Date
Up and Down and All Around
I’ve cried three times today. The first time I was on my way to my post-op check up. I was listening to k.d. lang’s Asleep with No Dreaming in the car, and the lyrics and soaring notes kind of hit me. I bit my lip and blinked away the tears. Then, because I’d squashed the sadness, … Read More about Up and Down and All Around
A Brighter Day
Today was a brighter day than others have been recently. Like an unwanted shadow, Grief is never far from my side, but today I found it easier to bear his presence. I’m not sure why, but I suspect a variety of reasons. I woke up to an incredible email from someone who reads this blog. … Read More about A Brighter Day
Should Have
I should have been 12 weeks’ pregnant today. I should have been getting ready to share our good news. I should have been starting to show a little. I should have been celebrating instead of feeling so empty. Should’ve-should’ve-should’ve! Instead I see t w e l v e w e e k s the faint … Read More about Should Have
Living on the Edge… Of Panic
It’s a cool evening after a warm day in San Diego, and the open window lets in a hesitant breeze. A cricket chirps at regular intervals, occasionally interrupted by next door’s beagle whose bark sounds like a falsetto Yeah! Yeah! It makes me laugh and I don’t feel bad for laughing, but the sadness returns … Read More about Living on the Edge… Of Panic
Wisdom in a Friend’s Note
A friend of mine wrote me this message. I worry so much that I will never get pregnant again, or not be able to carry a baby to term, and this friend knew exactly what to say. I thought it so lovely and filled with hope that I wanted to share it with you too. … Read More about Wisdom in a Friend’s Note
Finding Jizō, Part II
Miscarriage seems to be something people don’t really talk about. The grieving period is private, personal, not really discussed. After I learned that my pregnancy was probably “not viable”, DH and I took a walk on the beach where I found a pebble. I needed something tangible to hold onto, to mark this confusing and sad … Read More about Finding Jizō, Part II
Struggling Against the Tide
Today was the lowest day yet. For a long time, I couldn’t get out of bed, even if I wanted to. What for? I closed my eyes again and saw myself standing on a beach. I am looking out at the waves that have been receding over the past three weeks. Without warning, the full … Read More about Struggling Against the Tide
Pain
I find physical pain easier to deal with than emotional pain. Even when physical pain takes over your body and you think you can’t get through it, you can pop a painkiller. Physical pain is a reminder to take it easy, and if you don’t it will nag you until you do. Emotional pain is … Read More about Pain
