Miscarriage of Justice

At nine minutes past midnight on Sunday March 10th, I had one of the most primal experiences of my life where instinct took over. I’ve already posted about what miscarriage feels like but this is about the delivery of the placenta.

If you are squeamish, this might be a post you want to skip…

I woke up on Saturday with no cramps, but now passing long, mucusy, red clots, accompanied by nausea and a splitting headache from the Vicodin. (Hate that drug! Awesome painkiller but side effects are unpleasant.) The cramps returned around 3pm and got progressively worse all evening, even with a [prescribed] shitload of ibuprofen. By 10pm, I was writhing around on the bed, having contractions. My uterus felt like it was being pumped full of air and simultaneously squeezed in a vice. Then it felt like my insides were being sucked out of me.

At some point it felt like the contractions were non-stop. DH began timing them: each lasted one minute fifteen seconds, of which 20-30 seconds were youvegottobefuckingkiddingmeawful, followed by one minute and fifteen seconds respite. It was a ghastly two-and-a-half-minute cycle that lasted 15-20 minutes. (To me, it felt like hours!) I couldn’t get comfortable no matter what position I was in. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. I heard myself groaning and suddenly I had flipped onto all fours, kneeling, back arched. That felt better, but then I leapt up and went to the bathroom. Looking between my legs as I sat on the loo, I saw long, red clots thickly dripping, almost like treacle. I had a sudden moment of peace, and saw myself putting my hands on my lower belly. I took a deep breath and whispered It’s okay, body. Just do what you have to do… Hey little bean, just go for it, kiddo…. I pushed. The next part is kind of a blur, but I remember seeing an inch of thick tissue hanging out of me. I understood what it was, and tried to pull it out but it was too slippery. I got some loo paper and pulled with my right hand as I pushed. My left hand caught the other end. It was a 4-inch-long piece of tissue unlike anything I’d ever seen come out of my body. The placenta.

But, there, an extra piece of tissue that stuck out, perpendicular. My little bean?

I hollered for DH who, bless him, was in the kitchen making me tea. He came running. I thought I must look like Lady Macbeth, both hands were covered in blood, holding this alien tissue. I was shaking from the adrenaline. I put the placenta in a sterile jar I’d swiped from the hospital for precisely this moment and cleaned myself up.

I felt wobbly and weak, and I was very pale. You know how sometimes you feel dreadfully ill, but then you puke, and you are still weak but overcome with relief bc you feel like yourself again? It felt a bit like that..

I opened the jar and stroked the little bean. I took photos before wrapping the jar in a paper towel and putting it in a insulated bag in the freezer. I couldn’t just throw him away. Besides, I reasoned, it might be a useful thing to show my doctor at tomorrow’s follow-up appointment.

I didn’t go to sleep for a whole afterwards. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding too much. An hour later I passed a large clot that looked like liver and was the size of a golf ball. I added the clot to my grisly collection in the freezer.

I’ve been passing golf-ball-sized clots all day, have hardly any appetite, and have lost 6lbs, and this evening the cramps returned. I guess it’s some diurnal hormonal thing that makes The Uterus more active at night. I’ve had to take more ibuprofen and, reluctantly, Vicodin, so terrible again is the pain. The on-call doctor said it might be that I haven’t yet passed everything, so I guess I still might need a D&C, but that’s ok–I did most of the work the way I wanted! I’d delivered my little bean and seen him. I think I will bury him in a large pot and grow a plant.

If any of you reading this are gardeners, I’d love any suggestions you might have for an indoor house plant that is easy to grow and maintain in a Southern California climate.