It’s been a while since I was able to put into words everything that I’m feeling. I decided to take a break from writing and instead express myself in a different medium. There have been a few scenes from movies that have floated around in my head this year. Sometimes another person’s artistic vision says more about a moment than you ever could. Here are a few of those moments stitched together to tell a story:
The music is Ourse by Catherine Major. It is a song about love and loss, but its title “Ourse” (meaning female bear) and the verse about the child beneath the navel at the centre of the world makes me hear this song through the prism of pregnancy loss.
Here’s a rough translation that doesn’t begin to do justice to the clever wordplay in French — if you speak French and would like to improve upon the translation, please do!
Mama Bear
Wake up, sleeping beauty,
You are a bear in the winter,
Sleeping in the woods of another life
to forget all misery.Arise from the hunt:
You are a man at heart
who beats the earth in the street
where the horses go without pain.Arise from these years:
since the lover has no scent
it becomes the voice on the pillow
where we lay our fears to rest.Arise before the night:
You are the moon in the ether
Like a note unfulfilled,
A whisper of Mahler.Passing the time losing weight
Suddenly in your arms
The beautiful, the ugly, the misstep, the truth,
And the water and the fire between the sheets.Through a thousand falls and as many frolics,
Falling, like a soldier, in love,
A heart may be heavy and clumsy
When it beats against woodWake up sleeping beauty
In the chatter of our bellies,
the world beneath your navel
The child who will be at its center.Arise like a mother:
In the strength of your nature
There will be enough light
To illuminate Corsica.Passing the time losing weight,
suddenly in your arms
The beautiful, the ugly, the misstep, the truth,
And the water and the fire between the sheetsThrough a thousand falls and as many frolics,
Falling, like a soldier, in love,
A heart may be heavy and clumsy
When it beats against woodWake up sleeping beauty:
You are a bear in the winter
In the midst of great insomnia-
Keep an eye open for me.
This brought forth the knot in my throat and the guttural ache. A beautiful piece. I have felt like that last clip so many times this past year. Thank you.
Thank you, Carla. It was cathartic to make it, but I still have a hard time watching it. Big hug, friend.
Oh good Lord – I just got a chance to finally watch this, and now I am BAWLING at my office. This is just … beautiful & heartbreaking, all at once. Thank you for taking the time to put this together.
Thank you, Josey. I hope the tears were cathartic xo
That has moved me to tears it is so beautifully done. I especially liked the scenes from “up”. i often find myself sitting outside feeling overwhelmed, consumed,sad whatever…..in the garden (i love my garden) and the lovely man ….I have one like that at home I can see he hates to see me sad. Thank you Lauren….once again.
I’m glad you can relate, but sorry that you are able to. How lovely you have a man to hold you and garden to escape to. I’d like to hear more about it.
Beautiful. Heart-wrenching. Captures the emotion of grief and loss so well. Thank you xx
Thanks, love. I know you know it so well xo
Lauren, I’m so glad you made this video, for so many reasons. I’m almost ashamed that I couldn’t bring myself to watch it today, but even looking at two lines inspires a tear from me at the moment. I know you understand, and I promise I’ll come back to it when I can. XO
I do understand, completely. No shame in that! It will wait for you until you’re ready. No rush. xo
Lauren, I am just speechless. I had been listening to this song all day on the wonderful CD you sent me. And then I decided to check you blog and saw the video…wow. I can’t stop crying. This is maybe one of the most beautiful compilations I’ve ever seen. And what is extra eerie is the fact that I have thought of so many of those exact movie scenes throughout my grieving process–Sally Field’s scene from Steel Magnolias, and Annette Bening in American Beauty. And the Dumbo clips, oh my goodness…now I am crying again. Thank you so much for making this. I am now utterly convinced we are kindred spirits.
Oh, Annie, when I got your first email I realised you hadn’t seen this post yet. It’s uncanny that you have had the same scenes floating around in your head too. We are kindred spirits indeed, but we knew that from the start, didn’t we?
I will email you soon. I am so behind on emails and comments (just discovered 30 comments I forgot to respond to!) but am thinking of you xx
Beautiful.
Thank you xx
This brought a lot of it back. Some was very hard to watch but it as beautifully done. Pulling out the Kleenex was actually a good thing though. Thank you for making this. I think you captured it in the best possible way as far as I am concerned. Aside from the elephant scene, that scene from “The Help” really got to me. (HUGS)
Ahhh, sometimes we just need a good cry, don’t we? (hugs)
Completely gut – wrenching to watch this. I can only imagine what you’ve endured. A few parts were especially gripping especially at the very end with the elephant. I like how you used images to tell your story .
Thanks Shirl. It’s weird and wonderful to know a bit of amateur editing on my part can elicit this kind of response in you, someone who has not know the grief of pregnancy loss. You response reminds me that grief is grief. We are all united somehow in our collective loss and pain. Thanks for watching. xo
Oh man :-( i have no words. Truly. I felt every moment of that x
The artist in me is pleased to know that I was able to capture my vision of what miscarriage land infertility look and feel like. Thank you.
I’m only sorry you know the pain, and doubly sorry you have had to relive it again when once in a lifetime is enough.