Trigger warning: death, bodily fluids, cremation mentioned.
Banjo will be cremated either tomorrow or Friday. I’m wrestling with a decision: Do I visit him one last time?
I was with him as he died. A process that continues to traumatize me, albeit with less intensity, six days on. I can’t write about that just yet.
I held his face as he died and spent 20 minutes with him afterwards. It doesn’t feel like it was enough.
I think this may stem from a regret of not running after my great-grandmother’s car to say goodbye to her one last time. And then not being able to visit her in hospital. My grandparents decided it was best for me to remember her as she was. I’ve never been 100% glad they made that decision for me.
Saying goodbye to my dog feels very unresolved. The crematory said the vet kept him in a freezer until they collected him yesterday to bring him to the crematory. Since yesterday, he’s been in refrigeration, so there may be some fluids leaking from his head and rear end. They would do their best to clean him up…
This is the closest I’ve been to death, up close and personal. I don’t know how bad it could be.
My head is saying don’t go. My heart is saying if I don’t go, I will regret it. My head responds with, “What if you are further traumatized by what you see?” My heart replies, “What if it brings closure?” My head doesn’t have a response, and starts thinking about how I would plan childcare around the over-an-hour-long journey to the crematory tomorrow.
I am conflicted. I don’t have a lot of time to make this decision. I wish I knew someone else who had visited their pet and lived not to regret their decision.
Oh, goodness, I’m sorry you’re so torn. Obviously only you can make this decision but I will say that I’m firmly in the camp of “what made Banjo = Banjo is gone. All that is left is the shell of the body he once used, and it won’t be in the condition you remember/want to remember.” You were with him in his final moments and you said goodbye then. I don’t imagine there is any more you really have to say but, if there is, you don’t have to be with his old body to say it. Say a prayer/whisper it to the universe/write a letter, whatever you need to do. In my opinion, seeing his body one more time will not bring you any additional closure and will likely be a painful experience…
No advice, but so sorry you are going through this. I have never had a pet. I have seen the bodies of humans 3 times. It wasn’t revolting, but then they were either newly deceased or already embalmed.What stood out for me was that they were unresponsive to what was going on around them: that is what said “death” to me. The body wasn’t really a person because the person (or animal, I suppose) would not just lie there and ignore everyone. So really the body in each case was a focal point for the emotions being expressed, not a presence (my impression)
I don’t know the answer to your questions, but I do know the desperate wish to do “one more thing” is a normal reaction of grief. It’s part of the dawning (and sad) realization that this being is now beyond your reach and assistance. And it’s hard, it’s very very hard. Hugs.