Five Weeks

Since calling me on Monday with the good news that my beta was a whopping 2,000, Nurse C has totally changed her tune with me. She is cheerful and friendly. When she called yesterday with the results of my follow up beta, she even showed some compassion. Our conversation went a little like this:

C: Hi Lauren! It’s C!

L: Hi C! How are you doing?

C: I’m wonderful — and so are you!

L: Oh, what a relief…

C: You are… 4,029!

Holy mercury-filled mackerel! Four thousand and twenty-nine? We were hoping for a 66% increase (so, 3,333), but 4,029 is more than double!

C went on to say that she thinks it’s twins. OMFG. Because in her line of work (which she has been doing for 25+ years) and with her personality (extremely cautious) I’m guessing that she wouldn’t tell me she thinks it’s twins unless she really, really, doubly really thinks it’s twins.

These numbers are high even for twins —

Please, I wanna put the kibosh on triplets jokes; I might actually start freaking out, because triplets would be an extremely high risk pregnancy with the possibility that one or more babies would be disabled or worse. Instead, I would like to focus on the comforting compliment that C paid me on Monday: I am very good at making placentas. (This was said after I told her my hCG levels were 31,977 when I was 8w3d pregnant with Bean — 18 days after he died.)

— but a couple of women have reached out to tell me that their numbers were similar, and they had a singleton. Other twin moms have had lower numbers than me. It just goes to show that you can’t put too much stock in hCG levels, because every woman is different.

Twins would be two for the price of one, I joked on the phone. C’s response was very kind: Well, after the year you’ve had, I’m not sure it would really be two for the price of one… I was quite moved by her simple acknowledgment of my journey so far. I guess in her line of work it must be easier to get emotionally involved once there is an established pregnancy.

Of course, just because I am pregnant today does not mean I will be pregnant tomorrow. I have my first ultrasound on Tuesday March 25th at 9.45am, where we will find out either way, and if there are one or two gestational sacs. I am half excited, half terrified.

The terror comes from having had the experience of a traumatic first ultrasound where I didn’t see a heartbeat. Nothing will take that away except for seeing one or more healthy heartbeat/s. The terror comes from the very real possibility that it’s twins. I knew what I was signing up for, but it means I probably won’t be able to find a job in my second trimester like I was planning to, and although twins doesn’t mean literally buying two of everything, it will be expensive — we’re just about recovered from a few hard years, financially. And twins means seeing a maternal-fetal specialist because it’s potentially a high-risk pregnancy.

On the up side, a twin pregnancy means I would be more closely monitored, which means greater peace of mind. I am really looking forward to (hopefully!) seeing a heartbeat or two in 12 days’ time, that’s not an experience I’ve ever had. For now, the good news of so high a beta must sustain me.

And it should go without saying — but let me be emphatic: I am so damn grateful to be here, pregnant, possibly with twins, that I can hardly speak. (In fact, it’s a whole other post I’m working on.)

Because a year ago today I had my D&C. Farewell, the last of the sad anniversaries… I survived, and I’m hopeful the budding life inside me will too.