I wish I had an established career where I can be creative and be rewarded for my talents.
I wish I earned enough to live on, pay my bills, go out at the weekend, and put some away each month.
I wish I had my own private space where I could scream sometimes if I wanted to, or soothe myself with my piano and paints.
I wish I had a circle of friends to meet up with.
I wish I had a group of girlfriends to swoop in and take me out.
I wish I had a group of boyfriends to clink beers and exchange bawdy jokes with.
I wish I had had more support from some of the people who I thought loved and knew me best.
I wish I were more self-reliant so I wouldn’t have been so disappointed by those people.
I wish I had never shared this blog on Facebook.
I wish I’d known about testing for TSH levels in early pregnancy so I’d maybe have a 20-week Bean growing beautifully inside me.
I wish I’d had my period by now because I was hoping to be TTC again by now.
I wish I wasn’t filled with dread at seeing my now heavily pregnant SIL for the first time since my miscarriage.
I wish I didn’t need to avoid her.
I wish I could stop counting how many weeks pregnant I would have been.
I wish I could be take comfort and delight in other people’s pregnancies.
I wish things had turned out differently.
BUT
I’m glad I know I am on the right career path.
I’m glad that I have the small income I do earn.
I’m glad for the space I have.
I’m glad for the IRL friends I have who do listen.
I’m glad for my online girlfriends who sadly know all too well what I’m going through.
I’m glad for the kind and loving man I’m proud to call my husband.
I’m glad that I am sensitive and self-aware enough that I can learn to attend to my needs.
I’m glad to have discovered that my step-sister is a good friend and ally.
I’m glad that I learned about my Facebook friends’ pregnancy losses because they made me feel less like a freak.
I’m glad that I know about my thyroid after just one miscarriage.
I’m glad my SIL’s pregnancy is going well.
I’m glad holding a friend’s baby this past weekend brought me joy, not sorrow.
I’m glad that I can try to work on accepting the other things.
I’m glad that I am learning valuable life lessons from this experience.
I’m glad that I don’t have to fake being happy when I’m not.
Tina says
Hey…You can always think of me as one of the guys…LOL! My dad raised me and I throw around bawdy jokes like Carter’s tosses out liver pills! If you were in TX… ;-D Well, seriously–I am so glad you, like me are clawing your way back. One day at a time as well as putting ONE foot in front of the other is all we can work with, huh? At least I’ll have my own hole to crawl into very soon! I’m moving stuff little by little. My son (Brian) goes to the college to a piano room. They are private and sound proof and he loves that when he’s in a certain mood. Maybe there is one you can use. Sometimes they aren’t time limited either. (HUGS TO YOU)!
Lauren says
Trust you, Tina, to put a grin on my face. Love the idea of your son thumping out a tune. Wonder who he gets that from?!?!?!
Celeste says
Oh, what a major step – the holding of a baby. That’s always so tough.
So much love to you, in everything.
Lauren says
Thank you! As I replied to someone else, funnily enough it didn’t feel like such a big deal. Now, smiling at a pregnant woman in the phlebotomist’s waiting room the other day, THAT felt like a bigger achievement! Much love to you too x
AnaH says
What an accurate picture of regret and hope you paint. It is an inspiration that you can outline the things that fill you with gratutide directly after the things you wish you could change. Nice post.
Lauren says
Thanks, Ana. I liked this post too — really sums up the pun “On Fecund / Second Thought”. That is, to feel one thing, and be able to move past it or with it onto something more positive. Glad you liked it <3
Egg Timer says
My SIL gave birth as I was still going through my long-drawn out miscarriage. I know how you feel. To hold that warm baby as I was losing mine brought me pain but also joy for them. It is good to find those silver linings, those areas of peace in your life that bring you comfort and joy. Sending you hugs.
Lauren says
I. Don’t. Know. How. You. Managed. To. Do. That. Chapeau, darling! That’s impressive.
Sadie says
Lauren, you are a brave and articulate and generous soul! (Holding other people’s babies so soon after my loss would have destroyed me.) Although I’m sad that either of us knows all these ‘I wishes’, I’m glad that you were able to enumerate your silver linings, not only because I hope it allows you to feel blessed, but also proud. You should be very proud. You’re surviving mama.
Lauren says
It’s funny — holding a baby didn’t feel like such a big deal. I didn’t realise this until after I started holding her. I am envious of the women who aren’t bothered by pregnant women. Are you one of those? I wonder what things you are not bothered by that might bother someone else.
I still don’t feel proud of myself, but I am proud to know YOU, Sadie!
Catwoman73 says
Sometimes it’s tough to count our blessings, but it’s an important thing to keep working at.
I can relate to everything you have said here. EVERYTHING. Hugs to you. It’s not easy.
Lauren says
Thank you for the reminder! I was inspired by your post :) Big fat hug to you too.
Katia says
I wish I could do something to make your period start (it sounds so pervey that I hope it puts a smile on your face, but I really wish I could). I wish I didn’t know all these feelings that you talk about, but I am also glad I do, because I can truly understand. I think of you often and I pray for your success.
Lauren says
OMG, you naughty little perv! Kidding! Seriously, your comment made me crack up :D Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. It’s comforting to know I have allies, and am only sorry you know these feelings too. Big hug x