The first time the idea of egg donation was mentioned as even a remote possibility, I got very defensive. Luckily, I was with my therapist and she knew to back track.
The second time it crossed my mind was in Dr. A’s office after my antral follicle count: my fear of not being able to use my own eggs was all-consuming.
The third time, when my sister announced she wanted to be an egg donor, my thought was, Okay, I bet this means I need an egg donor.
The fourth time, during the horror of learning that my genetic aberration could result in a physically and mentally disabled child.
There have been plenty of times I’ve thought about and discussed it since. Only two weeks ago I started registering for access to various egg donor databases to check it out, but I never thought it would be something I would seriously consider. I mean, why wouldn’t I try with my own eggs first? But much like browsing personal ads or reading obits, curiousity got the better of me. But how do you filtre 2,000 women to a manageable few?
I thought about what might be important to me. Trouble is, there’s no “Filtre Results by Similarity to Lauren” option. So I began by height: 5’8″ or above, please, because I am 6’1″. I figured that, if we were to use an egg donor, we might not want to be open about it, at least not at first. My rationale is, by maximising the chance of having a tall kid (DH is only 5’8″) we minimise scrutiny: the kid/s might not look anything like me, but if they are tall then the general public might not question our relationship.
Turns out there aren’t that many women over 5’8″, and only a couple appealed to me: one was 1/4 Greek and had stunning green eyes. Another looked more like me, but she lived in Texas, which would considerably increase the costs of an already expensive process. Both had great attitudes, were kind, artistic, and wrote thoughtful responses, but neither got me excited about the thought of using her genes in place of mine.
Because I haven’t even mentioned that I am in the Two Week Wait. We gave it a little go this cycle, figuring we would be starting IVF in early November. Our timing was good, but we didn’t use Pre-Seed, and I didn’t stay lying down for 20 minutes the way I normally do. I wanted to give it a shot, but I also felt unconcerned about conceiving this final cycle before IVF. Later I smiled to myself–I keep hearing about ladies who conceive at the 11th hour, the month before their IVF is scheduled. Maybe I’d join those unlikely ranks too!
Then came the news that the lab expects “…the majority, possibly all…” of our embryos to be abnormal, and for the first time in my life I was horrified by the temperature dip this morning at 5dpo. What if I’m fucking pregnant? Because if I have spontaneously conceived, it is almost a sure thing that I will miscarry or learn my sweet baby is Recombinant. Am I really prepared to put myself through that experience again, physically and emotionally? What I want, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, could be possible another way…
I entered into a Twitter chat with a few ladies who are considering doing DEIVF (Donor Egg IVF), or have done it and are either pregnant or a mom thanks to egg donation. I told them I didn’t know how to let go of the dream of having my own genetic child without trying with my eggs first–a feeling they respected and understood well. As one of them put it “My oh my, how flexible you become when backed into a corner” and that’s how I felt. Another said that using donor eggs means that she gets to be pregnant faster. All the women agreed that there was much relief in using the eggs of a younger, more fertile woman, because the risk of something going wrong was greatly diminished.
And then I read a fantastic blog post, Myths About Donated Embryos, which made me think about being the recipient of donor eggs completely differently: most importantly for me, I now make the distinction between a genetic mom and a biological mom. If I used donor eggs, I might not share genes with my children, but I would certainly be their bio mom–because my body would feed my baby’s, not just incubate it. (I encourage you to read the information in Myths About Donated Embryos, which is based on information from the Donor Handbook (PDF), to learn more about this important distinction.)
I spent the rest of the morning browsing profiles on a couple of agency websites. Sure, a couple of people got added to My Favourites, but I didn’t feel excited, much less ‘egg-sighted’. As I read through profiles and added woman after poor woman to the mental reject pile, I began to figure out what was important to me: I want someone not just like me, but like the best of me and the better than me. Who, in an ideal world, would I choose to be the genetic mother of my child? I’ll break it down:
Height: Must be 5’8″ or taller. This, for some bizarre reason I can’t fully explain, is non-negotiable.
Looks: Looks that I am drawn to–whether bone structure, shape of face, fullness of lips — but someone who doesn’t have my small, deep set eyes that I so hate.
Race: Don’t care, but predominantly Caucasian–otherwise people will assume I’ve been having an affair!
Ethnicity: Don’t care. Some Hispanic or Middle Eastern is okay because both DH and I have at least one olive-skinned parent each.
Qualities: Creative, artistic, geeky, musical, preferably a combination of all four would be ideal.
Temperament: Someone who has put thought into her answers and isn’t dashing them off. Someone who explains what she struggles with but who is confident enough to be herself without trying to guess what the Intended Parents might choose–so many girls describe themselves as ambitious and hard-working. These are fine qualities, but to us this feels more appropriate for a résumé.
Intelligence: Not necessarily academic (because I most certainly am not), but I appreciate good spelling and punctuation.
Athletic: Someone who enjoys being active more than I do. (I wish I enjoyed exercising…)
Spirituality: Someone who is unsure of their faith but open to others’ beliefs.
Openness: Ideally we would like to meet her or speak on the phone. And we would prefer that she be open to meeting the child/ren one day because that is not a choice we wish to make for our child/ren.
Reason for Wanting to Be a Donor: Mainly altruistic, and preferably because she’s seen someone close to her battle infertility.
Fee: The minimum, $5,000, would be ideal… but we would pay more for a proven donor (someone who is a known quantity when it comes to IVF medication and ovarian response).
Location: Sigh, it would be great if we could find someone in SoCal because otherwise we have to pay for travel and accommodation for Egg Donor and a companion, plus a per diem, and other extra agency admin fees.
That’s quite the list, huh? Who am I kidding? I thought earlier, so despondent.
And then I saw a photo on a new database I registered with today. A beautiful girl wearing a serious expression. A similar shaped face, but hers is prettier. Same jaw, but pointier chin. Luscious lips, large green eyes, dirty blonde hair. She reminded me of both my brother and my sister. I clicked on her link:
Height: 5’10”.
Looks: Could be my fucking niece! We even have a similar figure, but she has bigger boobs!
Race: Caucasian.
Ethnicity: German and Welsh — like me! (I am mainly English and Irish, and she also has Scottish blood.)
Qualities: Likes travel, astronomy, drawing, painting, plays the piano, comes from a musical family, likes trance music. Seriously, she could be my doppelganger.
Temperament: Comes across as stable, thoughtful, and someone who enjoys life and lives in the moment.
Intelligence: Academic–high SAT scores. Well-written answers.
Athletic: She loves riding, swimming in the ocean, jogging, and yoga.
Spirituality: No religion listed, but seems spiritual / at one with nature.
Openness: Unknown. Database doesn’t provide this info.
Reason for Wanting to Be a Donor: Has two close friends who suffer from infertility and she sees what the go through. Plans to use the money to help pay for college.
Fee: $5,000.
Location: San Diego.
Other bonuses: she is willing to donate to same sex couples (she isn’t a hater!), has a Rhesus negative blood group like me, has good CD3 bloodwork and high antral follicle count (which predicts how she will respond to IVF meds), no genetic disorders or major health problems in her family, exercises regularly, and is a newly registered donor.
I know she’s the one the same way I knew I’d found my wedding dress: the thought of not having her makes me antsy.
Where do we go from here? I still don’t know — but I am feeling very hopeful and a little optimistic.
Wow, I can’t believe how perfect that donor sounds! Like you, I’d want to choose a donor that was very similar to me (maybe with some improvements!). I completely believe that having you carrying your child for nine months contributes to who she is. He/she will be nourished by your body, will feel that innate connection to you, and if you don’t want them to– no one else needs to know you used a donor. My aunt used a donor and my cousin looks/acts completely like her and my uncle. They will share with him when he’s older, but most people don’t know.
Anyway, however it comes about, I’m hoping for lots of bright days and happiness in your near future!
Bluebird, again, I am struck by how many people there are who have some connection to an otherwise unusual experience. I had no idea how many women I knew had had a miscarriage until I joined the club; and now I learn that your cousin was an egg donor baby. It’s really heartening to know that there is more to what makes us who we are than genetics alone. Thank you for sharing that with me. \m/ to your aunt and uncle and hugs to you xo
Oh my gosh! This all sounds so exciting! I have to say I got a little flutter in my stomach when I read that and I couldn’t stop the automatic thought of ‘wow! Lauren could be pregnant soon!’ I don’t know why your description of your whole process just made me feel like this could work! This could be real. Crazy but that’s just my knee jerk thought. Big hugs- this is huge
HUUUUUUGE indeed! A major first step, huzzah! Bless your heart for having that wonderful first thought. I feel like it might work… and it might work first try, hope hope!
I’m really moved to know that I touched you in some way. It’s quite something to read that a total stranger got a flutter in their stomach for ME. Wow. WOW! Bless your heart.
:-) sounds like it was.meant to be, lovely. excited for you!!!!
I’m excited too! And beginning to trust that maybe things happen for a reason. Or at least they don’t feel so senseless. Hugs to you, love xx
Wow, this is exciting! I can completely understand the desire to try your own eggs first, but when a match that perfect comes along it makes you think. And how incredible that she’s even in SoCal. Can’t wait to hear what happens!
Y’all gonna be the first to know!
Hello, Lauren. Wow! 2013 has been a real roller coaster ride for you, hasn’t it? I haven’t been able to relate to a lot you’ve written because I’ve never gone through your miscarriage experience. I have learned an awful lot from your posts- such medical advances! I’ve had to look up a lot off things I’ve never heard of before. Now I’m hoping that maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for you.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and educating me and probably a lot of other women.
Sincerely,
Arlene Coleman
Thanks, Arlene. I’m glad to know that you have learned something from my experience. Kudos to you for having an open mind and open heart.
Oh Lauren! I’ve been out of the loop for a while and am SO glad to pop back into your blog world with this hope-filled post. This is exciting stuff my friend! I want all your wishes for this to come true, and somehow your discovery of this profile seems like a fortuitous possibility that it just might. So eager to follow your journey where it leads and continue cheering you on. Big hug.
Big hugs to you too, friend. Hope is on the way dear! (To be said in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice as she leaps over restaurant booths…!)
I’m glad you’re feeling more comfortable with needing donor eggs. I promise you by the time you get to transfer you will have no doubt that is you baby. One word of advise- when you find someone you like snatch her up! There are more women needing donors then there are actual donors so the good ones go fast.
THIS WAS SOME OF THE BEST DAMN ADVICE EVER!! The first donor didn’t work out, but damn, did I email the coordinator quickly when I saw the second one. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! (Yes, I’m shouting happily!)
This gave me goosebumps. It’s so encouraging, so inspiring and so hopeful. Like a good book, I can’t wait to read the next chapter. You are taking life by the horns hun, strong and determined. The way you collate information, consider the outcome and reach a decision so quickly is inspiring and energetic. I applaud you for your determination and open-mindedness. That article is truly inspiring too. It changed my mind completely. ED is reassuringly no longer an incredible large emotional hurdle to face, but something quite lovely and powerful. xxx
I just adore you, Lis. I’m lucky in that I have a husband whose academic ability is far superior to mine. Lucky that I have a terrific therapist who has eased my emotions over the past couple of years. Lucky to have support in this terrific community. Lucky in so many ways, all of which have helped me to make this most important decision.
I hope that you are blessed with your rainbow baby soon. I don’t know if you have ever thought about egg donation — maybe that’s not your problem — but once you make the leap, it *is* reassuring to know expanding your family is possible. As you say, lovely and powerful. xxx
Ah! So exciting! The stars are aligning… can’t wait to hear more details!
Maybe they are! So glad to share this moment with you xoxo