Ever play the games Snakes and Ladders as a kid? Ever notice how if you got all ladders at the beginning, invariably you’d lose? But if you got all snakes at the beginning, you’d win?
Seems like most days I wake up feeling alright but my mood sours as the day goes by. This morning, I awoke from a night of peculiar dreams — including of seeing my SIL’s big belly a few months from now, and a dear friend of mine who is also going through a hard time IRL and who I am worried about — and glumly sighed about the prospect of another shitty day ahead of me.
But then I chatted to my MIL as I brewed the coffee. Then I talked to my mum in Spain on Skype. I got some work done, and, without going into too many boring details, figured out some stuff with my boss where essentially I get to have my professional cake and eat it. And then MIL and I went out for lunch and ran errands. I ordered a new supply of contact lenses. Chatted and texted with a couple of friends. Left a few comments for ICLW. Had lovely messages and well-wishes from IRL and online friends to simply say they were thinking about me. And I noticed all these things made me smile. And then I noticed: hey, I’m having a good day!
I am having a good day, I thought, so I should lighten the atmosphere on OFT and happily shout, Hey everyone!
I’m feeling like I can be okay with Aunt Flo not coming. Hell, it’s okay if she’s not ready to even start packing her suitcase yet. Dr. Jessica Zucker on Twitter reminded me that, instead of feeling angry with my body for betraying me by not getting the memo that my bean had stopped growing (missed miscarriage), I could think of it as my body did everything in its power to hang on to its pregnancy.
I’m even calm about the fact that my doctor hasn’t called with Monday’s blood test results (which I was told I would have had 24 hours ago). I learned there’s a strike at the hospital and, don’t ask me why, but I’m okay with the delay.
I’ve been working on trying to be kind to myself when I am upset — self-soothing, hugging myself, allowing myself to be held by DH, talking about what’s going on inside — and I think it’s beginning to pay off. I’ve had good days the past month, but today is the first time I’ve felt like myself.
I can do this.
I can get through this.
I am getting through this.
I am getting through this, and am beginning to be okay with the idea that 2013 isn’t the year I meet my baby.
I am getting through this, and am beginning to hope that, when I am finally holding my little one in my arms, all of this pain will have been worth it.
I am enjoying today for today’s sake. Tomorrow there might be rain, but for as long as it’s sunny, I’m going to sit and enjoy the sunshine.