A few years ago I flew to London from San Diego and saw an ad in the airport of a woman swimming underwater in a bikini.
My first thought was Oh my god, why didn’t they Photoshop her erect nipples?
My second thought was, OH MY GOD, I’VE LIVED IN AMERICA FOR TOO LONG.
I didn’t literally mean that. (I love living in the U.S.) But I was more shocked by my new-found prudishness than by the original prudish thought.
I’ve never been a prude.
I have a photo of myself aged 11, wearing bikini bottoms. I have tiny breast buds, but am oblivious to the idea of covering up my breasts — despite being with two girls and a boy around my age, along with my younger brother. Or maybe I would have been more self-conscious in a less personal setting than the one I was in when the photo was taken.
Maybe not. When I was 13, I happily went to a nudist beach. I was with my mum, step-dad, and [clothed] brother. You get the idea.
I daresay certain boundaries in my family might be blurred at times. I also have my fair share of body issues and hang ups, but I’m mostly comfortable in the skin I’m in. One thing’s for certain, I’m not ashamed of my body and never have been. (I admit I came close with dealing with infertility.)
When I breastfeed, I prefer to do so without a cover. Everyone in my family has seen my boobs now, and you know what? I don’t give a shit.
Know what else? They don’t give a shit either.
I have a Bébé au Lait cover — a brilliant design that allows the baby to see your face as you nurse. My in-laws refer to it as a ‘hooter hider’. My mother wryly called it my ‘burkha’. I never use it except for in front of my father-in-law (out of respect to him as he would be very uncomfortable) or in certain public situations where I don’t feel like dealing with potential drama. I don’t ‘whip out my tits’ because I’m not interested in making a political statement when it comes to feeding my baby; rather I’ll nurse discreetly. If a man leers, eh, I am better equipped to deal with that than a frosty uptight remark about covering up.
What I’m about to write isn’t remotely original, but: why is it acceptable to have half-naked Victoria’s Secret models plastered on a billboard but so shocking to see a woman discreetly breastfeed?
How and when did breasts become so sexualised in America?
I saw my two little nieces at the beach the other day. They are 4½ and 2, and wearing little bikinis. At first I thought it was cute, but then I thought, why are little girls wearing bikinis?
My SIL is a fabulous mother. She is a patient, kind, and attentive mom, so this is not a criticism of her at all. But it makes me question our culture. I can’t help but think: Isn’t it weird that American culture thinks tiny girls ought to cover their chests? I asked DH. He responded that maybe it would be weird if little girls didn’t wear bikini tops.
I argued that by putting little girls in bikinis, aren’t we teaching them that girls’ chests are to be covered up at all times, even in toddlerhood? And in so doing, aren’t we inadvertently hypersexualising their breasts years before they’ve even developed?
DH conceded I had a point.
I just want to raise my daughter to be proud of her body, whatever shape it is. How can I do that if the culture sends her the message to hide her chest even while it’s still flat?
Loved reading this & I see what you’re saying. I was very much a prude during preteen & teen years so if I’d taken a trip to a European beach. I would never have gone topless. I was way too shy & modest & embarrassed . That’s how it was & unfortunately is in America. Of course as I got older & understood more about different cultures I never understood what the big deal was/is no matter how old one is. In America we are so uptight about nudity , breast – feeding. As others have pointed out it’s fine to have nearly nude models on TV , posters , billboards but heaven forbid a mom nurse her baby openly & shamelessly. Although I only nursed Josh for a short time I always covered up even in my own home , when people were here or I’d leave the room to nurse.
Though I’m not prudish by any means (I love going to the local clothing optional hot springs, for example), I did intend to nurse with a cover. Then I had a baby that hated it, and I realized it was MUCH more discreet to nurse without a cover for us. Most ppl never realized I was nursing, and that includes on airplanes, in church, and at restaurants. At home I was a little more open about it (not caring if I was completely covered with tank top + overshirt) so our close friends and family all got peeks from time to time I’m sure, but like you, I really don’t care, and they don’t either!
Re: bikinis – I was going to say that I was totally against them for kids, and then I had a potty trained 17 month old and one-piece bikinis were a BITCH to get off/on her while wet so I changed my mind. It’s funny that I hadn’t thought of just putting her in bottoms though. American culture really does get ingrained in you, doesn’t it? When I lived in France I went to topless beaches all the time – it’s funny (sad) that it would be SUCH a freakin’ ordeal to do that here. *sigh*
Hooter Hider. LMFAO. What a thought provoking post.
I too prefer without a cover. I don’t own a cover although I can use a scarf or something if really necessary. (Usually outside if it’s a bit chilly). My family and in-laws and friends have all seen my tits. Basically if they want to spend time with AJ, they have to spent time with the tits, because the two go together. I don’t try to attract attention, but I don’t go out of my way to avoid it either. If a public place has a special room for nursing, I’ll use it, but if not I’ll find a comfy spot that best suits me and AJ and go for it. I’m not particularly modest or discreet. And while I haven’t made breast-feeding into a “political” statement, I think nipple-phobia is ridiculous and I don’t at all mind being part of the force against it. I smile at people while BF-ing; I make eye contact; I have conversations. (Although lately AJ is easily distracted so this isn’t a great idea.) I have not yet received any ill-will because of it.
I went topless often as a child. I can’t remember what age I started wearing a top all the time, but I don’t remember it being a big deal. My breasts did grow quickly from about age 11 and there were incidents of inappropriate remarks and touching. I learned how to be comfortable in my own skin and set boundaries. This whole discussion really brings up questions about how to teach our daughters. One one hand, they need to know there are prudes and small minds and small dicks out there who will objectify their bodies. It’s a reality, and naivete never helped anyone. On the other hand, I don’t want to propagate those same ideas by teaching shame about something that is beautiful, not shameful. But I don’t agree with sexualizing everything, and just because there are “sexy” clothes out there for little girls, doesn’t mean they should wear them. I wasn’t allowed to wear sexy clothes as a child. I don’t agree with all my parents’ attitudes on sexuality or how they chose to teach them, but that one I do agree with.
A few years ago Victoria’s Secret moved into one of our local malls. For weeks before their “grand opening,” they plastered every billboard in the area with emaciated models. Starvation porn. Actually, I found them worse than porn in a way because they were unavoidable. Porn bothers me but at least I don’t HAVE to look at it. I haven’t been to the store and will never go. OK, I don’t like their underwear anyway, but it’s their advertising I have a problem with.
I haven’t bought a swimsuit for AJ yet, but have spent some time thinking about what sort to buy. They are soooooo cute like all baby clothes and I honestly hadn’t thought about how her body would be displayed or what’s the point of little girls would wearing a two-piece (that’s an interesting point). But even so I think the ones I liked the best so far are one pieces from Nordstrom that covered the full body and had short sleeves and legs. I thought they gave the best sun protection and looked the most practical! so my advice is…..buy whatever you are comfortable with and what is practical. She won’t care yet, but one day she’ll have an opinion on her clothes (probably different from yours) and you’ll have to explain your choices….and it matters to be able to give sound reasons.
This is interesting. First off I want to say thanks for not breast feeding to make a political statement. I feel like all the moms that make it a point to breast feed in every place possible just to prove a point is doing exactly the opposite. They are the reason it has become an issue and uncomfortable. Just feed your baby however you feel is right for you and go on your merry way lol. Do we have to organize these “nurse ins” at Walmart? Really? Haha anyway next…bikinis!! I totally get what you’re saying and it is the truth. We are taught from a very young age to be modest. But I think it happens later that we learn to be so insecure. If we let girls take off their tops I don’t know that it would make them more secure?? Maybe the 2 work hand in hand. I think a lot of feeling secure comes from parenting in general. When I bought Cora’s bathing suit this year I walked around babies r us for an hour with a cute pink bikini in the cart. On my way to check out I took a detour and put it back. I chose a full shirt. Lol not sure if I did it because of the risk of sun damage or because I think she shouldn’t feel like she needs to show her body to be cute. With all that said, my parenting style changes daily. I always question myself and my decisions. I never know if I am doing the right thing but one thing I will do right is to make sure they know how much I love them.
Preach!
I just wrote a post along these same lines, and the difference between North American and European cultures (broadly defined) were not lost on me either. Normally, although as an individual I am pretty relaxed about my body, I would be tempted to cover my daughter’s nakedness, just because it makes me leery to think that *others* might be hypersexualising a child’s body (and my opposition to bikinis on little girls is not that they cover non-existant breasts, but that they encourage tiny girls to aspire to scarily normative ideas of the female body – essentially bikinis are clothes for curvaceous, grown-up women). But living here, it feels SO much more natural. When we go to the pool, it’s not only little kids that let it all hang out, but men and women and entire families, and it all feels very healthy. I’m so happy my daughter is growing up with this as an influence.
And although Austrians *can* be pretty uptight in their ways, even sitting in the poshest of old world Vienesse cafes, I’ve never experienced someone looking askance when I whip out a boob to feed her. Or maybe I’m just oblivious to those sorts of things? ;)
I totally get it. I was in Spain last week and little girls most certainly did not have tops on. Even a 2 year old boy was COMPLETELY naked. I’m not sure how to explain this, but It just seemed more relaxed there and no matter if a woman was in a bikini or one piece, it doesn’t feel like they were peacocking around, but rather just enjoying the sun. Here, it seems as though bathing suits are are sexual and a time to show off. It’s hard to explain. I felt much more comfortable in my post baby skin there than I do here.