78 Days Down the Drain

My cycle—what would have been FET4—was cancelled. And the anger that I feel is deeper than anything I’ve felt in a long time.

I went in for my final lining check on Wednesday, and as soon as a small black triangle flashed in and out of focus on the screen, I cursed inwardly. The nurse practitioner suggested that Dr. F might push me for another week to see if the fluid resolved, but I know Dr. F. She’s a conservative doctor and coupled with the fact that this is FET4 and we’re not being charged for further treatment, I knew she’d straight up cancel.

I reached my car in the parking lot, for the first time in almost five years I thought, I don’t know how much longer I can do this for.

I buckled V in her car seat and settled her with the iPad. I texted DH and my MIL to share the shitty news. And when DH called me back, I broke down. I wept, shocked and betrayed, for 30 minutes. And when he had to return to work, I dried my eyes for all of 5 minutes. I broke down again, and the impulse to punish myself further was strong, so I picked up the phone and dialed the one person who I know has been in my shoes: my friend and mentor, also a mom via egg donation who always planned on having multiple children, but had to accept having just the one.

Dr. F’s call came a few hours later as I was driving on the freeway, but I was right: she cancelled my cycle. Instead, I must take Provera (a high dose of progesterone) to induce a period because my estrogen levels are so high it would take them a few months to come down without natural ovulation. And we have WTF (a fourth) on the 27^th to discuss next steps, including if I will take Lupron again, and if so, for how long.

Seventy-eight days of Lupron. I battled 78 days of Lupron (at a cost of nearly $1,000) for my cycle only to be cancelled? The momentum of 78 days of Lupron surely has been lost. All of those tough side effects—hot flashes during a boiling hot summer, increased anxiety and depression—all for nothing.

I am so angry.

I am so, so angry it’s hard to even fucking breathe.

I am filled with hatred towards my stupid body.