I would have been 31 weeks today. P-SIL is coming over with the kids, and I broke down at this news. She is a trigger. Little C is a trigger. Little K is a trigger. Monday’s visit doesn’t change that. Tuesday’s news makes it worse. Good thing we were already going to the beach today. Hopefully they won’t stay all day, like last time.
For a while, around week 23, I lost track of what week it would have been. Then I reinstated my Fertility Friend membership and there was my pregnancy, long lost but still being tracked, in a section of the app. I can’t bear to delete the data. I want it to be replaced by a second, more successful, pregnancy.
I occasionally peek at the information, to see how Bean would have developed by now and learn about his milestones. I see what changes I would have experienced in my body. No tears, but it feels like my chest swells and would explode if it were pricked with a pin.
Last night I looked in my Filofax. I hadn’t noticed until then that the week of the year exactly matches the gestational age of my pregnancy. So I don’t have to count anymore. I can just look in my diary. I can’t forget how far along I would have been, even if I wanted to.
Sometimes I want to forget, and sometimes I want to cling on. I am so very sorry that my pregnancy is a fading memory, punctuated by the dizzying horror of that fateful first ultrasound. Sometimes I look at the peace lily and have to remind myself that I buried little Bean in there. I buried almost all of the placenta, save for the part that had to be removed via D&C, so there is part of my body there too. It’s not an exaggeration to say that when Bean did, part of me died too. It’s not meant to be a melodramatic statement: I like the idea that part of me was buried with him, to keep him safe.
A couple of months ago I noticed the tiniest of bugs, no bigger than a pin head, swarming over the terracotta pot and the lily’s earth, and I knew my Bean had been returned to stardust.
Hey Lauren- I’m so sorry the waves of grief just seem to keep on coming. Babies are always a trigger. It’s so hard.
I’m not sure if this will help you or not, but I thought I’d pass along the link anyway:
http://lauragraceweldon.com/2012/06/12/mother-child-are-linked-at-the-cellular-level/
Somehow, it brings me peace to know that my daughter and my lost babies are all still a part of me. There is a darker side to microchimerism, but I choose to focus on the positives. Hugs to you….
That is a heart-warming, comforting, and mind-boggling link!
I know, right? I’ve been working on a post on this topic for a while, but haven’t fully wrapped my brain about what exactly I want to say. I love the idea of it though!
I can’t wait to read it. It’s got me cooking up a post too. Hey, want to do a link up based on our response to this post? We could ask others to join in too. Might be interesting to read others’ thoughts and responses to this.