WTF 4

Our WTF meeting didn’t go so well. I mean, after the cursory, “This must be so disappointing for you…,” my RE’s opening words were, “So what do you want to do?” Which, if I were a cancer patient, would suggest more palliative care than cure. I mean, when else does a doctor hand over the reins to the patient? When there’s no hope, that’s when…

♥

I told her that bringing out the big guns (i.e. injectable estrogen + PIO) hasn’t yielded a good result, so I was leaning towards a natural cycle. My estrogen levels were so high that I had to take Provera (high dose of progesterone, taken for 10 days) to induce a period from hell—so although my body is absorbing the estrogen, my estrogen receptors would seem over-saturated.

My RE said the reason she straight-up cancelled FET4 was because at the third ultrasound my lining remained at a static 7mm and I was barely trilaminar (a faint triple line). Her “big idea” was to put me back on estrogen patches—what I took for FET1, and which was when my uterus looked the best. The recurring theme is my uterus is basically fucked one way or another (lining thickness + quality, or fluid) and DH and I concluded that she thinks it’s all pointless. We are a lost cause. And having paid for an unlimited FET package, our clinic is now losing money on us, big time.

Still, however small the chances are, we are prepared to give it at least one more go. Despite wanting to give my body a break, I also don’t want to completely lose all the momentum of the 11+ weeks of Lupron (although we will lose some), so I have agreed to go on birth control. Come January, I’ll give her a call when I’m ready to cycle again; the medical protocol has yet to be decided, but she is open to my doing a natural (unmedicated) cycle, but recommended adding Letrozole to ensure I generate a good follicle but don’t ovulate.

And then we’ll see.

Because, by then, my niece will be born. And even though I’ve had little contact with my SIL since her untimely announcement, it doesn’t change the fact that this will be my second niece who is exactly the same age as a baby I lost.

And maybe FET5, if we make it to transfer, will take place on February 26th.

♥

I want a second child for so many reasons. All the rational, as well as the irrational ones. Part of me wants to explain why, another part of me barks that I shouldn’t need to justify myself.

But I am currently sitting with the idea of remaining a family of three, and it makes me sad. I never had problems getting pregnant in the past, and at the beginning of TTC2 we had eight PGS-tested embryos and 13 eggs, so I never anticipated that all of V’s firsts would be lasts…

This secondary infertility has come as a massive shock.