My AMH levels came back at 0.17.
According to the lab who tested my blood, these are standard levels for specific age ranges:
FEMALE
0-16 years: 0.00 – 7.10 ng/mL
17-29 years: 0.85 – 14.24 ng/mL
30-39 years: 0.51 – 7.27 ng/mL
40-49 years: 0.00 – 6.21 ng/mL
50 and older: 0.00 – 0.82 ng/mL
So, basically, my ovaries are ten years older than I am. I’m practically at menopause.
Waiting for a call from Dr. A, but it looks like I am staring at infertility squarely in the face. Dr. H (Dr. A’s fellow) called me back to say that Dr. A would be calling me soon. He began by saying “I understand why you’re so upset.” I know I haven’t misunderstood.
Everything DH and I are reading says that even IVF isn’t an option. It looks like my best chance of getting pregnant and carrying a child to term will be through the use of donor egg/s. I don’t want IVF with fucking donor eggs! I want MY baby, MY way.
I am an emotional wreck. I have bruised knuckles from pounding the floor and minor carpet burns for kicking the carpet. I can barely talk my voice is so hoarse from screaming.
I’m writing this in the middle of a respite, but it will only be a short while before it all starts again.
Seven months ago today I found out I was pregnant. Six months ago today I found out my Bean had died.
I have clawed my way back from hell, and now I’ve been told that there’s no way out. All that healing was a fucking joke.
It feels like my life from here on in will only ever be a misery, a painful reminder of the only thing that I had hoped for, a baby, will never happen. There will always be pregnant women. There will always be P-SIL and her children. And now there will always be the steady stream of pregnancy announcement and photos of babies. (Only this morning, before this news, was I on Facebook and saw that the 26-year-old cousin of a young friend of mine just had a baby. I remember this woman when she was 10 years old. Talk about a slap around the face.)
Pregnant women, P-SIL, my little niece, other babies, other friends’ and family’s pregnancy announcements, they will only ever be a source of deep grief and misery for me.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, DH and I will be the only ones without a cluster of children around us.
I have failed as a woman. I have failed as a wife. I want to die. Part of me is already dead now. I’ve been thinking about worse news. Even a cancer diagnosis feels like it might be better — at least then I might have a fucking chance of beating it. But this? There’s nothing I can do. I’m fucked. There is no coming back from this. There is no recovery. There is nothing we can do. We are fucking fucked.
Hi Lauren have you come across Julia Indichova’s inspirational book Inconceivable? She also has a website called Fertile Heart and I was just flicking through the pregnancy success stories and found this one which sounds very like your situation at the moment: http://www.fertileheart.com/getting-pregnant-with-low-amh-success-stories/
Very best wishes from across the pond,
Rosie
Hi Rosie, no I hadn’t. That’s a great link, thank you! So very kind of you to share it. Best wishes to you too–say hello to the motherland from me ;) xx
No words can truly convey how shocked and saddened I was for you when I read this. I truly want a beginning for you and some sort of ending/resolution for my own dilemma. I received a very beautiful gift when I got to my mother’s house this evening that reminded me that life is a continuous circle, and even though sometimes obstacles that block our path which can really put us into an emotional tailspin, we still travel that road–we just simply have to take a path that is not always the one of least resistance. However we do have the right to rant, rave and bitch about it all along the way. Rage on until you no longer feel the need to. We’ve got your back.
Thanks, Tina. x
I’m sorry. I am sending love and positive vibes your way.
Thanks. Keep ’em coming. T-minus 3hours…
I’m so sorry Lauren, that’s horrible news. Please do what you can to make it through each day, and know that you have a slew of women behind you hoping that you’ll find a way through this.
Thanks Alana. Yes, I do know it and am so grateful for everyone’s support right now.
I was thinking the same thing as Sarah. I am SO sorry about this, Lauren. My heart was breaking as I was reading this. I could try to come up with words of consolation, but I agree with everyone else who said you need to express your anger and disappointment and heartbreak right now and we will be here listening and praying for a miracle.
Thanks, Katia. x
No, no, no, no, NO! How can it be?! And WHY??? I am just so sorry about this news. I cried as I read this post. I hear your loss of hope and it breaks my heart.
Thanks, Em. x
Reading this has brought back so many memories from just a year ago. I know you’re in an angry place right now and you feel all is gone but that’s not true- eventually you will see this. There are plenty of women who get pregnant via IVF with a low AMH. Every fertility forum has a thread about this. It will be a lot harder so if you are paying for IVF out of pocket you might not even want to try. I had insurance coverage so it was worth it for me to give it a shot- although I failed miserably. No little girl grows up dreaming of having a baby via donor eggs. But being in the situation now I can honestly say its not as bad as you imagine. And if you do go that route it WILL be your baby. I wasn’t too sorry about the genetic loss because all I wanted was a family. This has been proved with each failure because it takes me further away from the “DE” aspect and proves to me more that I really just want a baby- MY baby! With DE you still carry the baby and your blood flows through it, etc. Someone said on a thread today that genetics don’t make you a mom. And I will add to that with having a genetic baby does not make you a woman. Part of what makes you a woman is overcoming obstactles that are put in your way. You will get thru this! Regardless of how you feel now it will get better. You do need to mourn this news as you would a death. Be kind to yourself and let yourself go thru the process. And I have been diagnosed with cancer- you wouldn’t want it- trust me! I wish you peace.
I am sorry for all your losses, Wish. I hope I didn’t come across as too insensitive, regarding cancer. I saw my grandpa die of it, so I wasn’t trying to seem cavalier — more just trying to express the depths of how bad I feel. I’m sure, given your response, you took it as I intended, but I apologise for any insensitivity on my part.
We have no insurance coverage for IVF or any IF treatments. But we can’t not try. I don’t want to look back and wonder what if we’d tried IVF? The thing I want most — after having a child, of course — is the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. I could come around to the idea of donor eggs, but there is still healing to do in the meantime. You’re correct that genes don’t make you a mom — for example, I’ve always wanted to adopt, but in addition to having a bio child, not instead of — and appreciate your telling me this. I also really needed to hear “Part of what makes you a woman is overcoming obstactles that are put in your way.” Thank you xx
Lauren, I am so sorry for this news. I have been catching up since being away and have been reading your blog starting with the ones I missed. I had such high hopes that there would be good news coming for you. I can only begin to imagine how this news is devastating you right now. It sucks, royally. But I think CAtwoman has some really good advice in that wait a few days and let your body and your life absorb the news. I understand that right now it feels like not being able to have a biological child is the greatest unfairness of all, but there are incredible options available for building families. And IVF with embryo donation, or egg donation might not feel like a consolation prize in a few days. Also, remember that what you read on the internet isn’t always accurate. With changing protocols and specific medical situations you might not be the typical person. I hope that there is better news waiting for you, but the joy is that you have a loving and supportive husband and together you will find a path that you can follow.
I hope I am not the typical person. I keep thinking, fuck, with all this falling into tiny statistics, maybe I will finally luck out somewhere down the line…
Yep, my hubby is wonderful. Couldn’t ask for a better man. I know I’m very lucky.
Oh Lauren, it’s awful to feel your pain shot through this post, but I’m glad that you had enough respite to reach out and gain the support we can give here. I don’t have any real knowledge or advice, but I do know that for the last year after my two early losses my hormone levels were ALL over the place, sometimes at worrying levels: at one point my FSH levels were dire and put me in a ‘menopausal woman’ category (at which point I had a meltdown), but that all have levelled out recently. Stress and pregnancy loss can do that, and I think these things can fluctuate, so perhaps it’s not hopeless. I know that is no consolation now, but please know that we are here whenever you want to rant or need love and encouragement. Hugging you tightly from afar my friend. xx
Thank you, friend. It’s a small comfort to know that you have trodden this path. Your friendship means a lot to me x
That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry. And I wonder if the test could or should be repeated to be sure? And I hope it’s not the end of the road … Had you already ruled out donor eggs? Or just never thought you’d ever have to even consider that? I’m in a group with women who’ve done a huge range- from donor sperm, to eggs, to even embryo adoption. Those options may not work for you now, or maybe ever… But they represent possibilities?
My understanding is that, unlike most other hormones, AMH doesn’t fluctuate very much at all throughout the cycle, if at all. In the realm of possibilities, it’s possible the lab screwed up — but I’m not holding my breath.
I never thought I’d have to consider donor eggs. I wouldn’t even know how to choose an anonymous donor. I am sure my 21-year-old sister (technically, half-sister) would do anything to help me, but I am not at the stage where I feel I want to ask. It’s a lot to ask of her. Plus, I’m not sure how I would feel about carrying a child that’s hers and my husband’s, not mine and my husband’s. There is a lot of mourning to be done, but I acknowledge that all the options you point out so represent possibilities. Thank you x
This post is heart breaking. I am so sorry. I wouldn’t wish IF on my worst enemy. One of my favorite sayings from my grandmother is “this too shall pass”…however you want to look at it, this moment right now will pass, this phase of your life will pass, this whole century will pass etc. I know you probably are thinking “fuck that quote and fuck you!” I hear ya! Fuck IF. I hope this moment passes quickly for you and leads you to better times.
Fuck IF, but not fuck you, comrade. Your grandmother is right. I’m not quite there yet, but it’s a good reminder x
I’m so sorry Lauren. My AMH is at a similar level. I know it’s not exactly stellar news. My only advice would be to sit with it for a while. See how you feel about your options in a week… a month. Even a year. Because there are options to build a family, if you should choose to pursue them. I know they sound like the shittiest options in the world right now, but your perspective may change with a bit of time. Hugs to you… I can’t get over how unfair life can be sometimes.
Thanks, Catwoman. I think this is good advice, and I’m trying to follow it.
Oh Lauren, my heart just broke seeing all the pain you are in right now. I just wanted to say that I’ve heard that AMH levels are not always the end all be all when it comes to fertility. Mine is on the lowish end, and my RE told me that those levels are just one piece of a very complicated puzzle. Wait to see what your doctor has to say–there may still be good options for having a baby with your own eggs. Don’t give up yet, friend. I am praying for you and sending hopeful and peaceful thoughts your way.
Thanks Annie. I’m grateful for your input and really appreciate your prayers x
I don’t know a lot about AMH, but I just wanted to say that when I did my initial work up as a 29 year old at CCRM (arguably the best fertility clinic in the USA), they just wanted the AMH to be above 1.0 (and your range above says 0.85 – 14.24 for that age). I’m curious what your doc will have to say about things. Obviously a 0.17 is not good, but maybe s/he will have some ideas for you. I’m so sorry hon – I know this is incredibly shitty news to hear.
http://drewnesbitt.ca/amh-test-fertility/-2012-08-01/ — there’s some interesting info here
http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com/p/science-of-in-fertility.html
http://aboutplanb.blogspot.com/search?q=amh
— Jay also writes a lot about Vitamin D deficiency causing AMH levels to be falsely low. Reach out to her — she has a TON of research about this and has been able to increase her levels significantly if I remember right.
Hang in there hon…
Thanks, Josey. Those links are really helpful. And I’m going to call CCRM to see if they can recommend anyone in San Diego. x
I’m so bloody angry for you. This isnt right or fair!
Could the doc explain why, if your levels are so low, you got pregnant quickly before?
It’s a question I plan on asking…
I know you feel like this is your life’s darkest moment and my words probably won’t help.They may even make you angry, but you must move on. Go through your angry, and sad rages until they peter out. Yes you will always have a hole in your heart, but pregnant women, nieces and nephews, babies in general don’t necessarily have to be ugly reminders and send you into a tailspin. Sure, they will for a while, but believe it or not things will get better. Busy yourself with school and whatever you like to do – your artwork for example. When you start feeling like you can cope with pregnant women and babies you could do volunteer work at a nursery school or pre-school. I’ve done it myself and it was very satisfying. I know the pain of loss (not the same as yours, but loss nonetheless). We all have dreams that just don’t materialize. In the end you may discover that there is something really spectacular in your future.
Please don’t think I’m trying to be glib or blase about this. I just know from life experience that things get better in spite of bad memories. I have a very dear friend who never was able to have children. She and her husband keep themselves very busy with their hobbies and travelling and they dote on their many nieces, nephews, and friends’ children.
I wish you well.
Take care,
Arlene Coleman
Thank you, Arlene. I appreciate your thoughts. x