Bean stopped growing at 5w6d, so assuming all is well with the little dots, Three & Four, today I am more pregnant than I have ever been.
This will feel more victorious if I get good news at Tuesday’s ultrasound…
I’m still taking things day by day. I still have an insatiable appetite, but now there is very little I can contemplate eating — my acupuncturist says this is the precursor to morning sickness. My boobs continue to ache, but I think they’ve stopped growing (or at least slowed the hell down), I’ve put on 5-6lbs, and my jeans feel more snug around my belly. I must drink about two to three litres of water a day (64-96oz) and I’m still thirsty. I pee between 4am and 5am, usually at 4.25am. I am aware of a kind of tickling sensation inside my uterus, similar to when you poke your belly button and feel a sensation somewhere in your cervix. (Not sure what I’m talking about? See here and here.)
I am having a hard time believing that I am pregnant, and yet I know I am. I have to trust my body, trust the signs, and trust in the process. Yes, today I am the most pregnant I have ever been. Yes, I believe there is at least one little heart now beating inside me, tucked deep beneath my own that quickens at the thought, What if they’ve died? But what if they haven’t? But what if they have? But what if they haven’t?
It’s hard to know what’s real and what isn’t. I guess I just can’t believe that I am finally pregnant again. I don’t feel uneasy in the sense that ‘something is wrong’, the way I did last time, and I keep reminding myself that so far I’ve demonstrated a good awareness of my body and maternal instincts, so a lack of concern would usually mean hope for a woman who perhaps never experienced a loss before.
I am simultaneously dreading Tuesday and am so excited to finally get to experience what seeing, and possibly hearing, a heartbeat or two!
♥ ♥ ♥
In other news, the publishers for the Three Minus One (the anthology that my Dear Little Mizuko Bean piece will be published in) created a private Facebook group for us contributors. I’ve connected with a few of my fellow contributors, which has been wonderful. Sean Hanish, the director of Return to Zero, has asked if I (and others) would be willing to do a reading in Pasadena (east of Los Angeles, about 2.5 hours north of where I live) in the near future. The actress in me leapt at the chance. I’ll let you know when that is in case you would like to come.
Also today, my Understanding Miscarriage Grief piece was re-published on Seleni.org!
The waves are small, but I never thought I would write things that so many people would read. I think Bean would be pleased if he knew.
Can’t wait to read more of this story that gives so much hope to my heart!
You’re sweet. Thank you xoxo
Congratulations on the publishing! You do write beautifully!
About eating I am not sure salmon would be the best choice even if its smell did not make you sick. I have heard it is very hard to find safe salmon.
I have stopped eating it…and I like it!
Thanks, Eva!! I do try to express myself in a way that I would like to read, so I am pleased you like it.
Yargh, let’s not even TALK about salmon, haha!
I can’t wait for you ultrasound!
(BTW, my friend just told me she’s expecting and due this summer :) I haven’t stopped smiling since she told me.)
Wonderful news! I bet she is all sorts of happy and nervous, but you will be there for her :D
Lauren,
I know what you mean about the food aversions! I was ravenous early on and then around 6 weeks, we were out to dinner and everything suddenly sounded gross. The next day, same thing. I thought something was wrong. Pregnancy is so crazy. Symptoms come and go, and seem to constantly change. I do hope that you don’t get morning sickness. I haven’t although I’ve been on the verge of it several times. Best of luck on Tuesday! How exciting. -Jackie
Thanks, Jackie! Yep, this sounds exactly like what started happening to me. I think I had my first bout of (non-puking) morning sickness today. I had that uh-oh feeling in my stomach, and a very sour sensation in my mouth. I won’t mind if I get morning sickness, actually, as it’s a sign that things are going well. Thanks for your wishes, hope to share some good news here soon xoxo
I can’t wait for your ultrasound! It sounds like everything is going well, though I totally understand that feeling of disbelief. I think even fertile women feel that way!
Oh- I totally know that weird sensation… Lol. I tried to describe it to my husband. He obviously didn’t get it. :)
Such validation!!! It’s funny, with my last pregnancy, I sort of floated around blissful in the knowledge that I was pregnant. Not so this time. Because, well, duh… How things change.
OMIGOD I’m so glad that I was able to describe that sensation and you know what I’m talking about! What is it?? Uterus growing? Placenta being made? I’m so happy to know it’s a sign that I am still pregnant!