Trigger warning: death, bodily fluids, cremation mentioned. Banjo will be cremated either tomorrow or Friday. I’m wrestling with a decision: Do I visit him one last time? I was with him as he died. A process that continues to traumatize me, albeit with less intensity, six days on. I can’t write about that just yet. … Read More about Internal Conflict
A Native American Folktale
The earth trembled and a great rift appeared, separating the first man and woman from the rest of the animal kingdom. As the chasm grew deeper and wider, all the other creatures, afraid for their lives, returned to the forest – except for the dog, who after much consideration leapt the perilous rift to stay … Read More about A Native American Folktale
My Beautiful Banjo
The weekend was cold and bright, and the darkness has settled in ahead of the shortest day of the year. My beloved dog, Banjo, snapped at V Sunday morning, a singular event that has forced us to choose between our dog and our daughter. In an instant, we chose to put him down. I remind … Read More about My Beautiful Banjo
Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
I had my embryo transfer was yesterday. In spite of the clinical setting (I wryly use the hashtag #somepeoplebonk on Twitter and Instagram) it was a strangely magical experience. First thing’s first, I’m PUPO with this little beauty: Yep, she’s a she ;) Last time we chose a male embryo; this time we chose a … Read More about Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
Bottoms Up!
My lining wasn’t quite an 8, but I guess 7.7mm is close enough: I’ve been cleared for FET on Tuesday. Some people bonk and have a baby nine months later. Me? I cut out caffeine and booze, and take this lovely cocktail of meds: Clockwise from bottom left: Estradiol (estrogen) patches. I slap four of these … Read More about Bottoms Up!
Infertility Meta Data
I’m sitting here with uterine cramps. A dull, diffuse ache with the occasional piercing flare. It’s from all the estrogen I’m taking—four skin patches that I change every three days and, as of last Tuesday, two blue apple pip-sized pills that I place at my cervix. I am not responding well to the patches. Last … Read More about Infertility Meta Data
Everything Is Connected
Before giving birth to me, my mother was pregnant with another baby. She had a miscarriage, and that person wasn’t born. When I was young I used to ask the question: was that my brother or was that me? Who was trying to manifest at that time? If a baby has been lost it means … Read More about Everything Is Connected
Tschin-tschin up…
The shittiest week in a long time is, I hope, over. To recap, this is the pile of shit that’s happened since the middle of last week: Migraine I got a migraine 5 hours after transfer. It lasted 19 hours, and I puked twice, once in the middle of the night. Lead Scare The Thing … Read More about Tschin-tschin up…
Ho Bloody Hum
It’s been a very long and difficult week. Wednesday PUPO. Migraine begins five hours after transfer. Thursday The migraine lasted 19 hours, and I vomited at 1.30am. The nausea woke me up, and that sour sensation on either side of my jaw made me flee to the bathroom. Up came my lunch, maybe it was … Read More about Ho Bloody Hum
FET, Migraine, and Photos
It’s a cool day in San Diego, thanks to the overcast skies. I’ve been longing for this weather for months, so my front door, near my desk where I type this, is open. I am glad for the cool relief. I’ve spent most of the past 24 hours lying on a sofa or in my … Read More about FET, Migraine, and Photos
