Today is Mother’s Day in the US and it’s halfway over. I’ve never much cared for it, my own mother never having wanted to celebrate it, but this year takes on a greater significance for me. For the past few days I’ve been asked more times than usual if I have children. I say no, sadly and abruptly. It’s a painful question, and I have no incentive to be polite and smile because, in my experience, that only invites further questioning. I will be glad when this day is over.
A few friends have taken the time to gently say they are thinking of me, which I have appreciated. Today has been tougher than I expected, worsened by having to sit across from a pregnant woman, beatifically holding her belly, as she waited her turn for a pedicure. I hate that someone else’s joy causes me so much pain. I hate that this is what I am confronted with every time (I mean, every time) I go out. I hate that this is only going to get worse and worse as the summer drags on. I hate that I am not doing a very good job of living mindfully. I hate that I am essentially existing until the day after my due date. I hate that even if I get pregnant again I will never be able to relax. I hate that I am so sad and so angry.
I’m trying so hard to be forgiving of myself. Trying so hard to be okay with another pregnant woman’s happiness. Trying to accept that, if I don’t want to become a social recluse, I am going to be tested and have my fears confronted over and over again until October 5th.
♥
When I wished my MIL a happy mother’s day this morning, she hugged me and said Lauren, I don’t know what’s appropriate today, but you’re in my thoughts. I don’t know what to say.
She nailed it. My MIL is so brilliant, I am so glad that I can at least show my appreciation for her today.
I think of you a lot, Lauren. I didn’t send anything for Mother’s Day because I know the feeling even though Brian made it. For me it is a day that can be dual in nature, but some years it is okay and others it isn’t. It just depends on what memories come up. My biggest confusion would come when someone would tell me “everything happens for a reason”…Reason? What reason? Why would it have to have a reason or an excuse to happen? Life can make absolutely NO SENSE at times so I would get really confused when I get told this at any time I experience any type of loss. That is when I tend to become a bit reclusive myself and head for the mountain. It is either that or I torture them by quoting Samuel Beckett or hitting them with such a barrage of Socratic questioning that they know it is time to back off. (((HUGS))) I think you are living mindfully. I wonder about the rest of the world at times, though.
I guess how we are able to deal with Mother’s Day depends on our mood, doesn’t it? Thank you for affirming that.
You are a mother Lauren, a beautiful and loving one. I think, in everything I see here and the ways you honour your motherlove and your little bean, that you are living *very* mindfully. I’m just sorry it’s so painful right now. I hope the day was a gentle one for you. Sending love.
I might have to print out this wonderfully kind comment, Sadie. Thank you so much <3
I hope the day was easy for you. Haven't had time recently to check out my blog roll (end of semester madness) but I will soon. Much love to you and yours in the meantime x
I’m praying that this is the most difficult mother’s day you will ever face. Remember, you ARE a mother. Even so, holidays can really burn, and this is the one that I imagine will singe you the worst. A big, big bear hug!
Darling Momsicle, from your lips to God’s ears! Bear hugs to you too, friend x