At the event I was at on Mother’s Day, I struck up a conversation with a 5-month-pregnant woman around my age. I liked her leather Indian shoes — they reminded me of the red sequinned kind I wore on my wedding day — and wanted to know where she’d got them. We chatted as we waited in line for our food, and I ignored her lovely bump by keeping my eyes firmly above her shoulder line.
K. was a vendor at the event and asked me to stop by her stall so we could exchange contact info and go out for Indian food sometime. She’s an artist, a traveller, someone who loves food, and a San Diego native — in other words, someone I’d really like to get to know. We clicked for so short an interaction.
Under normal circumstances, I’d have emailed her by now. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t know if I have the strength to strike up a friendship with someone who is due a month before I would have been. Not to mention, maybe my loss (which could very easily come up) isn’t something she bargained for. Nor perhaps would it even be fair on her for me to bring it up — yet, in the spirit of openness and honesty, perhaps it should be said when the time is right? (Getting ahead of myself here, but for instance: if she invited me to her baby shower, explaining why I would decline.)
Of course, we might end up going out for a meal and never meeting again, to be sure. But, long-term, I could be missing out on getting to know someone interesting for the sake of short-term grief. And in the meantime, could such an acquaintanceship even be healing in some way?
So, I’m sitting miserably on the fence about emailing her.
What would you do?
It’s a difficult one isn’t it? I like to think as long as they are sensitive to my loss, I could be friends with anyone, but a friend who I work with who is due AFTER I was I am finding it very difficult to be around. I find myself being very hot and cold with her- sometimes I am okay to be around her, other times I can barely look at her. It might be hard for a ‘new’ friendship to survive that?
Sarah x
Thanks for chiming in, Sarah. Yeah, I do think about that. Like, if I can’t even bring myself to see my SIL, how would a new friendship survive under such conditions — assuming she were sensitive to my loss. How is your friendship holding up? Is your friend understanding? L x
Hi- yes I think she is understanding, although I have on occasion been in the middle of discussions of baby names and things like that and I’ve had to leave. I have been honest enough to admit to everyone that I’m still not feeling right, though, so I think people are careful with what they say around me now. Must be very hard if it’s happening in your family though- I mean, how can you avoid that?