I am taking a break from Facebook, aka Babybook. It seems all it’s good for the past few years is parents going on about their kids or sharing the good news that they are pregnant or the announcing the arrival of their little one. I get it: it’s exciting, and parents think their kid/s is/are the most amazing people they’ve ever met. That’s the way it should be — for them. But I wish they’d talk about other things as well — like what they’ve been up to and where they’ve been — instead of only ever talking about their kids’ pooping habits and the charming things they’ve said or, most annoying of all, tagging me in photos taken when I wasn’t even there.
Even before I got pregnant, it was annoying to have my feed cluttered up with all this baby talk. Yeah, I was envious — even then. On and off Facebook, I’ve been asked countless times do I have children, why don’t I have kids, when am I going to have children. I’ve become fairly adept at avoiding answering such intrusive questions, but it’s hard to avoid being told how much hard work kids are, how lucky I am I don’t have kids yet, what good practice having our dog must be, and even “Tee hee, we never even wanted kids but oops! here he/she is!” (This last statement makes me weep in frustration every time.)
It hurts that people could be so oblivious to the fact that I and other friends of theirs might also be longing for a child and not be able to have one, for any number of reasons.
So, if you know me on Facebook, this is why I’ve logged out for a while. This is me being kind to myself. I am owning my envy, dealing with my fear, and healing my broken heart.
Think I’m being overly-sensitive? Please read #4 in Miscarriage: 10 Things Not to Say and 10 Suggestions for What You Can Do To Help.
I’m glad you did go back on to FB, even momentarily, or I wouldn’t have known about your blog, and therefore your loss. I’m so sorry lovely Lorena. I can only imagine how painful and difficult this is and I think that this blog is wonderful, and brave.
I have not experienced the loss of a baby- like you,some health conditions I have had are making it tricky, so I know how difficult it is to see apparently everyone around popping them out effortlessly. To want for something so much, miraculously get it, and then have it snatched away from you seems too cruel.
Unfortunately I live too far away to take you out for coffee or dessert or do anything remotely useful, so please know that I am thinking of you and sending you a huge hug.
Jess x
Hey Jess,
(Hmmm… I thought I had responded to this comment earlier — I guess I messed up the Send part in my post-anaesthesia-fried brain. Oof!)
Thank you for reading and giving your support. It is a painful time — but so it is for all of us, one way or another, right? I hope you overcome whatever obstacles you are facing, and soon.
Thinking of you too xo
Hey Jess,
AHA! Here was my first reply to your comment :)
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone in my envy. Seeing “everyone popping them out effortlessly” is a good way to put it! That’s how I feel. Then I try to remind myself that I don’t know everyone’s story. So many women have written to me to share their struggles with fertility, one way or another.
Big hug to you too, honey xx
Dear Lauren,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart grieves for you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I really can’t even imagine what you’re going through – both physically and emotionally. You have every right to be sensitive and avoid Facebook. Every day I see FB posts of ultrasounds, pregnant bellies (one of my friends posts daily belly pics), messy kids, husbands and families…and well…it’s hard when you haven’t got any of those things and you wish you had them. I get asked all the time why I haven’t gotten married and when I’m going to have kids. I’m also told that the clock is ticking (what a comfort). I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. Although I’ve never had a miscarriage, my sister-in-law and aunt both have and all I can say is that you have my deepest sympathies. If you ever need someone to just listen then I’m here for you.
Hey Jennie,
Cor, that was a massive hug, thank you!
My heart goes out to you too. Believe me, I understand your suffering and I’m here for you too. The thing I keep reminding myself is that just because everything looks hunkydory on the outside doesn’t mean that those people who have the things we so envy aren’t also suffering. Like Atticus Finch said, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view – until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
What do you usually say when you’re asked why you’re not married / don’t have kids yet? I got quite good at responding “That’s a personal question!” with a smile and a wink. If someone asks me why I don’t have kids, this time I think I’ll ask them “Why do you ask?” Maybe by being curious we can learn something. And we might find that The Interrogator is just nosy or might actually be thinking of something that isn’t as hurtful or as judgmental as we inferred.
Big hug, honey xx
Hey Lauren,
I hope you’re feeling a little bit better today. Thank you for your kind words and advice! Whenever I get asked about my marriage/kid status I kind of turn it into a joke. One of my mom’s friends told me that I would lose my “looks” soon and that nobody would want me. I don’t know how I kept a straight face, but I told her that I thought I had more to offer than just looks. I guess I’ll just have to climb up the bell tower once I hit my expiration date. For the most part, I’ve found that people are just nosy, which kind of stinks, but I agree that things are not as perfect as they appear to be for the majority of people, so I try not to take it to heart. I want to tell you that I think this blog is excellent and that you’re helping tons of women, who normally don’t voice their hurt. In our culture we tend sweep it under the rug and are told to forget about it instead of being able to deal with our hurt and helping each other out. Kudos to you for putting yourself out there and helping people even while you’re in pain.