I am sad. My belly fat, ever my gauge for my milk reserves, is disappearing. My appetite is decreasing. My breasts no longer tingle at regular intervals, don’t feel full after a few hours, and they have stopped leaking on the not-yet-suckled side.
This can only mean one thing: my trusty milk supply is dwindling.
A combination of factors has contributed to this. Traveling across 10 time zones. Vi’s first cold. Nearing her first birthday.
And mainly sleep training.
Apart from a few flukes, Vi has never slept through the night. A good night’s sleep means getting at least one stretch of three hours. Most nights I’m up every two hours.
I haven’t slept through the night since entering the second trimester. I’m exhausted.
Exhausted.
I was hoping to nurse once before I go to sleep around 11pm and then again around 5am. Just one six-hour stretch, and I would feel much better than I have been. So I’ve been working on not nursing to sleep and decreasing the time at my breast in the night. But my nights are more disrupted. Sometimes I spend an hour calming Vi back to sleep and I think, Why am I doing this when I could nurse her back to sleep in 10 minutes? Then I remind myself that, with these multiple night feeds, she’s not getting a good night’s sleep either. I am upset that I am having to choose between sanity and safety vs. nurturing and nourishing my girl.
I know I shouldn’t complain about my dwindling milk supply. Vi will be a year old in a couple of weeks and I’ve been able to breastfeed her for longer than some mothers are able to nurse their babies. For far longer than I ever thought I’d be able to. I am so grateful to have been able to feed my girl the way I wanted to. Who knows if we’ll have a second? And if we do, who knows if I’ll be able to breastfeed again? The loss and infertility and high risk pregnancy and traumatic birth have proven to me that you never know what will happen. Maybe next time, if there is a next time, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
But, tonight, I am sad because I can see that the end of an era is nigh.
No great advice here, just support for what you’re going through. There’s sadness at the end of nursing (not that you will need to fully stop now), but it does physically mark the end of an era–an era you so deeply longed for. I tend to let myself be catapulted into the next phase when the phase I’m in takes me to the brink of psychotic collapse. Sleep deprivation is a sure fire way to send me spiraling downward. I’m glad you’re honoring the fact that your wellness is really important. [heart, heart, heart] xoxo
You’re one of the moms I most trust in this world, so I trust your wisdom! xoxoxo
Our bodies become very efficient at making milk. Not feeling a let down, no longer leaking, and ESPECIALLY losing belly fat are NOT signs that your supply is diminishing. I didn’t lose any weight until my daughter was about nine months old, suddenly I started losing weight. I went on to nurse well into her fourth year. I’m sorry that you received such poor advice about the belly fat. It simply isn’t true. You’ve made it through the difficult early days, through growth spurts and maybe even teething. If you want to keep going, keep going. If you are done then stop. I would be sad if you stopped before you were ready because you received bad info.
Good luck !
Wow, four years? You’re a pro! Yep, I have made it even through teething (6 and counting!). Interesting what you say about belly fat. It was my acupuncturist who told me that the fat around your middle (which I never had before) is your body’s way of storing reserves to make milk. Perhaps the “when it goes, your milk supply goes” was an extrapolation on my part. I don’t know how long I’ll nurse V for, but I’m not ready to stop just yet. Thanks for the reassurance <3
Ahh Lauren – beautifully written and as ever very reminiscent of my own experiences. I have loved every minute of breastfeeding and will be very sad when that chapter closes, be it naturally or with a conscious decision. Being able to breastfeed allowed me to ‘trust’ my body again after miscarriage and infertility, and the thought that I am on borrowed time in terms of continuing does upset me. As you say so much of parenthood is about embracing new chapters but also feeling sadness at the closing of old ones.
I feel you on the glass half full/glass half empty sh*tstorm of feelings about breastfeeding. It’s amazing. It’s hard. It’s a niracle I can even do it. I guess the best thing to do is let nature take it’s course (at some point, because currently I take Domperidone to breastfeed so in my case it will be a difficult choice if BG doesn’t decide to wean). XOXO
You know, I didn’t feel the tingling of let down or leak from the other side after the first couple of months with either kid, and I was able to breastfeed both of my kids for over a year. Your supply is probably dwindling naturally at this point because of her age, but I wouldn’t think it will cause an issue for you to continue to nurse her as long as you’d want. Both of my kids slept through the night around 8 months, but that just meant they were getting their calories during the day, and I didn’t wean Stella until 17m and Harvey until 15m. I hope you can continue that relationship as long as you both want to!
Hey Lauren —
Hugs for you. Chin up , you’ve done great . Changes are tough . I see what you mean I’m more concerned about your lack of sleep .
Shirl xo
This is happening to me too. I’m not exactly sad about breastfeeding less, but a little sad, like you, for the end of an era. I can’t yet accept that one day I won’t be breastfeeding at all. Transitions are hard and there have been so many! I guess this is parenthood: things change, I’m not ready and I have to deal with it anyway!
Sorry to hear that sleep is still so difficult and you are exhausted. I hope the sleep training goes well! You need your sanity! At least some fraction of it. You are so right, there is no way to know the future. I’m trying to be extra grateful today for everything (it’s Canadian Thanksgiving).
Hugs,
You’ve done so well :-) don’t be sad it’s the end of an era. Be excited for the next chapter- toddlerhood (it’s awesome!) xxxx