I thought about leaving the envelope, unopened, on the counter. I knew what was inside: the first doctor’s bill — and the first of many. The microwave dinged, I took out my lunch, and slowly chewed my food. It’s been hard for me to eat the past 10 days. (My stomach is also being uncooperative.) … Read More about Dates
Grief
To become healthy again, it is important to permit all feelings to surface. To repress them hurts you, body and soul. To acknowledge feelings is a sign of strength. Some adults still have problems expressing sadness and grief because as children they felt accepted and loved only if they were laughing and happy. Some were … Read More about Grief
Finding Jizō, Part I
There’s a reason the imagery of a pebble came to me the other day when I was trying to deal with my anger. That shocking Tuesday, after DH and I left the hospital, we slowly walked to the car hand in hand. We sat there for a minute or two, wondering what the fuck to … Read More about Finding Jizō, Part I
Babybook: Owning My Envy
I am taking a break from Facebook, aka Babybook. It seems all it’s good for the past few years is parents going on about their kids or sharing the good news that they are pregnant or the announcing the arrival of their little one. I get it: it’s exciting, and parents think their kid/s is/are … Read More about Babybook: Owning My Envy
Understanding
If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ever ask me if I was ‘over’ it. They would ask me how I was doing learning to walk without my leg. I was learning to walk and to breathe and to live without Wade. And what I … Read More about Understanding
Furious and Terrified
I am furious and terrified. I can’t cry, try as I might. The pebble imagery isn’t working today and my actual pebble is nowhere to be seen. Just as well. I might hurl it at something fragile. The Misoprostol didn’t work Monday night so I take it again in an hour. Who’s to say it’ll … Read More about Furious and Terrified
Misoprostol, or the Beginning of the End
The pharmacist looked at me kindly as he handed me my prescription: Misoprostol (Cytotec). Four little tablets that I pushed towards my cervix to ripen it and start the process my body couldn’t. I lay in bed for a couple of hours afterwards and emailed my parents in Europe. Returned to doctor today for second … Read More about Misoprostol, or the Beginning of the End
Miscarriage: Ten Things Not to Say, and Ten Suggestions for What You Can Do to Help
I have learned here is no way to understand the heartbreak of miscarriage if you have not experienced such a loss firsthand. I have known women who have had miscarriages, and I rather fear that my responses were sub-par. I’ve received a few responses this week: some people have been fantastic, and others have been … Read More about Miscarriage: Ten Things Not to Say, and Ten Suggestions for What You Can Do to Help
Saying Goodbye
On Tuesday I was told that I needed to wait a whole week for a second ultrasound — a week! It seemed like forever. I knew my little bean wasn’t going to grow in that time. (I would have had to have conceived after getting 5 positive pregnancy results. The biology just wasn’t there.) Still, … Read More about Saying Goodbye
Hope and Comfort
Before giving birth to me, my mother was pregnant with another baby. She had a miscarriage, and that person wasn’t born. When I was young I used to ask the question: was that my brother or was that me? Who was trying to manifest at that time? If a baby has been lost it means … Read More about Hope and Comfort
