I would have been 17 weeks today, and this makes me sad. More significantly, it has been 8 weeks and 3 days since I went in for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and 3 days. I have now known my pregnancy was ending for as long as I knew I was pregnant, and this … Read More about Saturdays are Sadder Days
Ghosts
On Saturday, DH and I piled into the car with the dog for a spontaneous overnight camping trip to Culp Valley, a dog-friendly primitive campsite in Anza-Borrego Desert State Park. The drive is along a winding road, up into the mountains. The lush Californian valley, green with foliage and dotted with oranges, slowly gives way … Read More about Ghosts
First Good Week
I have a confession. It’s been almost a whole week since I last cried. I’m not saying that I’m, you know, back to normal and bam! that’s grief over and done with, but I feel like this is a major step towards healing my broken heart. If I’m being completely honest (and, let’s face it, … Read More about First Good Week
Mourning Sickness
Winston Churchill said Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. Sometimes, buoyed by his words which tell me I am strong, I think Yeah baby! Baby. Other times a small trigger plunges me into despair, antagonised by critical self-loathing for failing at this most basic task. … Read More about Mourning Sickness
Karma and the Self
Like fire in a piece of flint, knowledge exists in the mind. Suggestion is the friction which brings it out. So with all our feelings and actions–our tears and our smiles, our joys and our griefs, our weeping and our laughter, our curses and our blessings, our praises and our blames–every one of these we … Read More about Karma and the Self
Protected: Despair
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Appropriate Grief Response
During my pregnancy loss counselling session last week, I was told that pregnancy loss grief intensity is not proportional to length of gestation, but to each individual’s reproductive story. The counsellor, A., also told me that my feelings are normal and that she would be concerned if I wasn’t feeling the way I have been. … Read More about Appropriate Grief Response
…One Step Back
I learned a few weeks ago that the ob/gyn clinic where I got my prenatal care offers pregnancy loss (and postpartum depression) counselling services, so I thought I’d check it out. Even though I’ve been having better days recently, I kept Friday’s appointment. Couldn’t hurt, right? And I might learn something. When I made the … Read More about …One Step Back
Better Days
There she was: slightly ahead of me, a tall, slender woman, about 35, ambling towards the book fair cashiers. Her turquoise t-shirt hugged the bump of a 4-month pregnancy. She was radiant, and almost everything that I am not. I am tall. I am slender. I am 35. I like book fairs and turquoise t-shirts too. … Read More about Better Days
Introspection
Then a woman said, “Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.” And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. … Read More about Introspection
