I’d be lying if I said I was completely Zen with using Nellie. Although I am, for the most part, at peace with using an egg donor, there is still a part of me that is very sad that my reproductive story doesn’t include a genetic child, conceived the old-fashioned way, and, ahem, for free.
When I peel back the layers and examine the mixed bag of emotions, I acknowledge that I feel resentful that I have shitty DNA that denies me an experience that 80% of the world gets to experience. How can this be happening to me?
When I look at the world around me, it is filled with people who, well would’ja look at that, managed to procreate. Why not me? It doesn’t matter whether it was my mum, or the girl who bullied me in school, or the women I shared a dorm with, or my childhood friends, or my former colleagues, or my new friends online: everywhere, people seem to be having babies just fine. And if not ‘just fine’, then, well, eventually. Sometimes it’s with a little extra help, sometimes a lot. Sometimes it’s even a miracle child, conceived at the 11th hour before starting an IVF cycle — I know of three such women.
But there aren’t very many of us using donor eggs. There are only a small handful of us that I’ve met either online or in San Diego.
Not to mention, the handful of third party reproduction professionals I’ve seen have all commented on how young I am — compared to the average donor-egg-recipient age of 41, I am, at 35, one of the DEIVF spring chickens. And I don’t know how I feel about that.
Then there’s the cost. I am
truly
fucking
horrified
that we have to shell out almost the equivalent of the average U.S. salary to just *try* to get pregnant — just because donor egg IVF has a higher rate of success doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed.
We will be paying… wait for it… somewhere in the region of $43,000 for an attempt at pregnancy using another woman’s DNA. Forty-three thousand… And if it doesn’t work, it’ll be an extra $6,000 each time we want to do frozen embryo transfer (FET).
Oh please let it work the first time, for so many reasons.
But if it does work the first time around, there will be totsicles — sibling embryos on ice — waiting to be transferred in a couple of years’ time when we decide we want to expand our family. And pouf! just like that, we will do a FET at a time of our choosing. And even though that second round might not work the first time, with the number of eggs we anticipate from Queen Nellie the Fecund, at some point it surely will.
After the dizzying sticker shock momentarily wears off, I am reminded that I am grateful to so many.
The first people I think of are my grandparents. I am so deeply grateful to them for setting aside a sum of money that will pay for the creation of their great-grandchildren. I wish I could thank them, tell them how I’m spending the money they so generously bequeathed me. I wish I could tell my grandmother how incredible the timing of her death was. That as she lay dying, I was on my way to my first IVF consultation. That I understood that she was making way for new life. That her death was, to me, a manifestation of hope. I know my grandparents would be so very pleased to know how they are helping their eldest granddaughter.
I won’t receive my inheritance for a while, so I am also grateful to my parents-in-law for lending us a lot of the money in the meantime so we can get started. Thanks to them, we don’t have to wait as long. Thanks to them, we were able to pounce when Nellie’s profile was published on the database.
I am grateful to have such a supportive community of women, but here I must give a big thank you to My 1111 Wish who told me, “When you find someone you like snatch her up! There are more women needing donors then there are actual donors so the good ones go fast.” which proved to be invaluable advice. Had she not shared this wisdom, I perhaps wouldn’t have doggedly kept looking after the first egg donor was matched to another couple, and perhaps I wouldn’t have pounced in the way I did.
I am so grateful to live in a time when this reproductive technology is available to is. Had I been this age in the 1970s, I’d be bleeding every month for one reason or another, with no answers, not even a hint of an explanation, and suffering in silence. Instead, I have been amazed by the outpouring of support from our friends and family who we’ve shared this mammoth decision with. And I have been staggered to have been offered eggs from two women: one, a friend I don’t even know all that well; the other, my step-sister. To have such love and support is truly indescribable.
Most of all, I am so grateful to Nellie that I can’t even put it into words. Not only has she given me the possibility of growing a life inside me, but she has restored my hope that although life might not play out as I had imagined, that it even plays out at all is okay.
My heart is bursting with gratitude, hope, fear, anxiety, happiness, and, mostly, excitement.
Excitement that I will be pregnant in February. At least PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise), and hopefully pregtastic until about this time next year.
And that this could all be in time for February 26th, the one-year anniversary of that first fateful ultrasound, gives me goosebumps.
So yeah, I still harbour feelings of envy, resentment, very occasional anger, and quite a bit of sadness, but for the first time this year I acknowledge that I am very lucky in all my shitty misfortune. Even just thinking about Nellie’s gift has shown me that I want my hopes, not my fears, to shape my future.
Yes. It’s sticker shock. I had it too. $15,000 in my case (no donor eggs needed). Luckily I had saved the $ from 3 years at my job (not knowing it would be needed for IVF of course.) I was horrified- that much money for the mere chance of getting pregnant. It’s horrifying! But… yet… if it represents your best chance for making the family that you are living and breathing to get… it’s worth it. And yes, it’s probably only worth it IF IT WORKS… for me I got super lucky and it just barely worked- but it did. And I now could care less that I spent $15K. I do call it the ‘best $15K I ever spent.’
It was so hard to wrap my head around it, but in the end, I needed to try for my family more than I needed some dollars in the bank. Those dollars are making me more happy now than sitting there. And to confess- going through that monumental shift in thinking about IVF made it so 5 years later I was also able to buy a car that I love… because I had realized that with my debts and bills paid, there is something to be said for LIVING a life you love, and if that means buying a car and drawing down my savings account- it was worth it for IVF and it was worth it for a car..
“I want my hopes, not my fears, to shape my future.”
Yes! So much has happened in your life in a short time — so much that’s really HUGE, both losses and opportunities. In my most unsettled times, this idea of fear vs. hope / love has been like an anchor. Even if I don’t get the happy ending I’d prefer, there will be peace in knowing that my decisions were based on love (plus, you know, some attempt at objective common sense) rather than fear.
It’s still scary, taking the first steps toward something new, especially when the first steps seem so big (and — holy shit — expensive). DE does sound like a great opportunity, though. And look at the progress you’ve made in a few weeks, with both logistics and really rough emotions. I’m awed by your courage (which I saw defined somewhere recently as “trying while crying”) and wishing with all my heart for your Pregnant February!
Of course it’s a mixed bag of emotions. You’ve been hit hard with a lot of bad news in a short period of time, followed by a whirlwind of activity to move forward on a path you had never dreamed you would be on! I’d be shocked if you weren’t feeling a bit confused and vulnerable right now! Deep breaths, my dear- one day at a time. That’s all you can do. You’ve got wonderful support, both IRL, and URL, and you’re smart enough to take advantage of that. Lean on us, vent cry- whatever you need to do. Roll with the emotions as they come, and by the time you are pregnant (I won’t say PUPO- you WILL be pregnant), you’ll be in a perfect headspace. Hugs sweetie- it’s a lot to take in.
I think, that with all the Heavy Stuff and all the things to think about and weigh you down, you should be VERY proud of yourself for rolling with the punches and moving forward. I think your above commenter is right that once you’re pregnant, you will be so in love with your little person that genetics won’t mean squat. You will be his or her mother, and that will be your baby. It’s not the way any of us pictured it, but it will be wonderful on its own merit.
First of all Missy- get in the habit of saying Pregnant UNLESS Proven Otherwise- it’s way more positive ;)
Thanks for the shout out but that’s not the best advice I’ve given you. The best advice is when it promised you once you get pregnant all those genetics fears will fly out the window. I’m a hot second pregnant and have no cares about genes or the money it cost me or that 99% of my friends were lucky enough to have kids years before me. All I care about now is this little pumpkin growing inside me. You can do this, you will do this and you will be humbly forever grateful.